Five Go Out; Four Come Back

Well, we plan on going to the beach this year for Thanksgiving. Not only are we going to the beach, but also we are camping...in a tent.

I wish I could tell you that I am REALLY looking forward to it, but I cannot. I'm not looking forward to the 6-7 hour drive to get there. I'm not looking forward to setting up our campsite in the dark (Sybil wants the kids to go to their half day of school). I'm not looking forward to spending the weekend with Sybil.

Don't get me wrong; I love to camp. I love the primitive nature of shedding the stress of the office and slowing down. When we went to this particular place a couple of years ago, it was a lot of fun. The weather was great. The bright spot is we always go with our friends of ~15 years. They can act as our referee.

Hours in a car; sleeping in a tent; what could go wrong?

Keep me in your prayers.

Later,

Aphron

We Don't Live in North Carolina:

From This Website:

Grocery Store | Greensboro, NC, USA

(I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

(As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

The process of "de-balling" is slow and inexorable.

Later,

Aphron

Wow! Another Post

Another post in the same month. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Resentment is what's ricocheting in my head right now. Pure, evil resentment. Resentment is an amazing thing. It is a very sneaky bugger. One doesn't know about one's suffering from it until one has a full-blown case of it. It has many causes but the end result is the same: anger. Sadly, I think this phenomenon is the root cause for discord in a marriage.

Resentment can make one seem childish. How to deal with resentment? How does one let go of the poison in one's system? I stand (actually, sit in front of my screen) as one that suffers from this calamity. As one that suffers from it, I, alone, can solve it. In theory, it is very simple. Confront the reason for my resentment. In my case, it is Sybil.

As an illustration, let me offer an example of the cause of resentment. As I was helping daughter with learning the states and capitals in the Pacific time zone last night, Sybil thought of a different way of doing it. I will admit to her way being simpler than mine. Let us say that I was "over engineering" the solution. When Sybil saw what my solution was, her response was to call me "Idiot".

Verbal abuse? To be sure. How did I deal with it? I didn't. Why? In times past I have confronted Sybil in these situations. She likes to hurl what I've called "verbal hand grenades". By lobbing these hand grenades, Sybil had blithely toss them and run, figuratively speaking. The defense she offers up is "well, you were acting like an idiot" or "you frustrated me with how you did it". As she uses these excuses, I ask her, "if our kids called another an idiot for whatever reason, would that be ok with you?" Her response is to still continue to blame me for her bad behavior.

This leads to resentment. Sybil does not offer an apology. Since I was doing something stupid, she has the every right to call me an idiot, in her mind. She does not see the long term effect this would cause someone. Multiply this sort of thing by 16 years, and one sees what I mean. This is just one little thing (sticks and stones kind of thing). Add that product to years of sexual suffocation and the end result is not pretty.

What is the answer? If I were not a Christian and more narcissistic, I would leave Sybil. That is not off of the table. Sadly, she is too intertwined in my professional life. Not mention the three ankle biters I have living with me. I guess I'll continue to blog about my personal problems. I guess I haven't, totally, vented my spleen.

Later,
Aphron

A New Post at Last

Before I begin, let me just say that I have not been a good blogger.

I have thoughts of stopping blogging all together. I started "Foolish Mutterings" as a kind of catharsis for the frustrations inside my marriage. While I have not REALLY solved many of the frustrations inside my marriage, I have learned to cope better with Sybil. This blog has helped with that coping mechanism. By typing all many of the goings on over the past few years, a kind of therapeutic effect has occurred.

We all make choices in our lives. We have to live with those choices (unless you're AIG). I chose to marry and reproduce with Sybil. Actually, I chose to reproduce and marry Sybil. Being the honorable person that I am, I "did the right thing". Two more kids later, I am still "doing the right thing". Like many on my blogroll, I am in a less than ideal situation. But...who is? No one. We are given choices, we make decisions on those choices, and we make the best of things. That is what I have done.

My lack of posting has more to do with losing interest in typing the same thing over and over. I love chocolate cake, but I don't want it every day for every meal. As much enjoyment I get out of "venting my spleen", I have learned that this oral masturbation is less than satisfactory. Like sexual masturbation, it may help fill a need, but it only dampens the appetite not satisfying it. Therefore, I have less enthusiasm about posting. Even blogging in general.

Instead, I've tried to focus on real resolution of my problems with Sybil. It's hard. If Sybil had her own blog (she may; I don't know), she would be writing about how difficult living with me is. That is the way of marriage. Eventually, one has two choices: accept the person and try to love him/her OR leave. I have come to realize that I could never leave Sybil. I may be a lot of things, but disloyal I am not. I still subscribe to romantic notions of honor and loyalty. Leaving Sybil would be terribly dishonorable for me. Although there are times... I feel that I am destined to be with Sybil. Also, there are three other people that need me to be there. I can't abandon them. Lastly, things between Sybil and me are improving, but it took a health scare to really bring it home. Everything is ok, but I'll post on that at a later time.

All of this has been rattling around in my little head. I will still post on occasion, and I'm sure my readership is down drastically. However, I just don't feel the compulsion anymore. I just don't feel the need to bare my heart here like I did. I guess I feel that I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

Sadly, I've not written about love. Where is love in all of this? I do love Sybil, but it is not the hot, romantic love we had years ago. I guess this is normal for couples. Things cool down due to little resentments and annoyances that have occurred over the years. It's hard to be hot and bothered about someone, when that person was a bitch/bastard earlier today. It's hard to be let down, sexually, speaking time and again. Love becomes something different. This love burns slowly and warmly, but this love does not consume. That elderly couple that has been together for 50 years are probably no different that Sybil and me.

Well, I'll wrap up this rambling post now. There, are you happy FTN? Heh, I may be posting more to noodle out other thoughts rattling around in that space above my neck.

Later,
Aphron

Hello,,,Is Anybody There?

Yes, I'm alive. Just not a lot going on. Sybil and I are in a pretty good place. We have learned how to communicate with each other better. I mean it only took 16 years. That's not to say we don't have our disagreements; we do. It just means they aren't quite to the same level of vitriol as they once were. Yes, she still is a drama queen. Her drama doesn't send me around the bend like it used to do.

Physically speaking, things are about the same. Like many of the blogs I read, we suffer from differing views of what we want. Sybil erected walls that I cannot scale, and boundaries I cannot cross. No amount of communication will ever change that. When I read other blogs, I am grateful to be having sex. Sadly, I am human and always want more than I have. Ratcheting down my wants has seemed to do the trick. Kind of sad, but that is the state of my "affairs".

Although we tend to have our disagreements and have differing sexual "appetities", we have come to realize that we have a pretty good thing going. We, also, have to come realize that we will never be perfect, and we will never have a perfect marriage.

A Snapshot in Time

I love the ability to stay connected with Sybil.  For us to be able to
communicate with each other at the drop of a hat.
Today's communication in action is seen below.  This is pasted from our
Blackberry Messenger chat.

Aphron: Whatcha want?
Sybil: Moo shee? Wat u want?
Aphron: Sho. 
Aphron: Bout (daughter)?
Sybil: Watz tat?
Aphron: Wut duz (daughter) want?
Aphron: Um, hello. Anyone there?
Sybil: If u want, order 2 go 
Aphron: K. 
{At this point Sybil calls me to let me know
I didn't read the message about what daughter wants}
Sybil: Y did u hang up on me?>:O 
Aphron: Ordering. 
Sybil: I sed 2 order pork fried rice 2!
Aphron: Oops. I guess I was rude. 
Aphron: Sorry. 
Sybil: R u getting mesgs!
Aphron: Now. 
Aphron: What does she want. 
Sybil: Huh?
Aphron: Nuttin. Ordering: gen chick, dump, phat nood
with chick,mu shu pork,  2 chick soup, pork fried rice. 
Sybil: R u getting any mesgs?
Aphron: I got this one
Sybil: Wat r u doing wrong?
Sybil: >:O >:O >:O 
Aphron: Dunno. Y r u so angry?  
Aphron: :( :( :( 
Sybil: Don't lik 2 b ignored! DUH!>:O >:O >:O 
Sybil: & CUT OFF!!!>:O >:O >:O 
Aphron: I'm not ignoring. I didn't get a message. :( :( :( 
Aphron: I did cut off. I apologize. 
Sybil: Sur! Tats always ur excuse! ITS OLD!!!
Aphron: Well, how is it my fault that I missed a message?
Sybil: U didn't mis mesg! U got it & deleted it! But
I hav poof!!!
Sybil: Fat Noodle & soup I ges
Aphron: What?  I deleted it?  Why would I delete it?
Sybil: 2 hide ur meanus! U not very brite! Hahahahhah
Aphron: What is a 'meanus'?  Is that me anus?
Sybil: =D no u r so gross, meanus=meanness! Get ur hed out
o guttr!  Yuk:& 
Aphron: Oh...meanness. Well, you got me. I like to ignore u
because I can'tbe truly happy unless you are angry.
I'm masochistic like that. 

Busted!

I admit it. I was busted yesterday. Sybil and I were eating lunch talking about the day's happenings. Since we were seated with a view looking directly at the front door, we could see every one as they entered the restaurant.

A reasonably attractive, young woman walked in with her boyfriend/significant other. What was noticeable was that her top was low cut with a "V". Apparently, as we talked my eyes followed her to her seat. Sybil noticed this and made a comment. Now, I do not remember thinking unclean thoughts. I did remember thinking that she was reasonably attractive, with a shorter, goofy looking guy, and her hair was similar in cut to the restaurant owner's wife.

When Sybil made her comment, I, jokingly, remarked, "Yeah, but I'll be going home with you." Well, Sybil did not find that funny. She asked what I was thinking as the woman moved towards her seat, because I couldn't complete a sentence. At that time, I could not remember. I still thought it was no big deal (forgetting that EVERYTHING is a big deal to Sybil). Finally, I said something about the similarity of the hair. Sybil rolled her eyes. Then she said something about this being just like what happened before we were married. Yep, that's over 16 years ago.

The incident she is referring to is a meeting with an ex. It was not meant to be clandestine. Sybil and I were not that serious (I guess in my mind). It was in an extremely public place (we walked down a public street). For me the meeting was to try to get some closure (it's complicated). Anyway, that was event that was thrown into my face.

Now, I totally get her being unhappy with me ogling another woman. I understand her insecurity (well...kind of). It was stupid of me, but I admit it was an unconscious act. I don't get having something that happened a long time ago used to bash me over my head. Sigh. That's Sybil.