Foolish Mutterings

Another Post

2011-11-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

I felt the need to post...so that's what I'm doing. Just a quickie update.

Things with Sybil are ok. Not great but not awful either. I guess I have come to terms with my lot in life.

Marriage is definitely difficult. I won't lie and say I'm easy to live with either. However, I've learned things about Sybil over the last 18 years that I didn't know, when we were dating. Kind of a bait and switch, really.

Ultimately, it's about control. Sybil loves to be in control (ironically, she hates making decisions, though). Case in point: we were at the Post Office early one morning to mail some packages. There are a couple of cars in the parking lot. As I was about to back up to leave our parking space, Sybil starts fussing about my plan to back out of the space. Why not pull forward and loop around? That's so much easier. Well, not really, but Sybil hates putting the car in reverse. That discomfort was transferred to me. Therefore, she nags at me about not backing out of the space.

Back when I was enamored with Sybil, that would have seemed like an isolated incident. Now I know her oh so well. It ties in beautifully with my last post about control. The problem is that I truly don't understand the need to critique everything I do. It's tiring.

See, the thing is I hate being controlled. I hate being told what I can and cannot do. I bristle at authority. Therefore, the thing with Sybil's need for control in all aspects really creates a lot of tension for me. It causes me to act out in ways that may be self-destructive. For example, Sybil's need to control our sex life. She has the need to control how it is done. I've taken to controlling the when. I know it's passive-aggressive. However, I've spoken to her on more than one occasion. Sadly, her selfishness can't see beyond her needs and into mine. So I don't try as much. It's isn't exciting. I used to try different methods, positions, etc. only to be rebuffed. So what's the point?

Quick update

2011-08-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Yep...I'm still alive and well. Things are coasting along. I am writing for myself, as always. My readership has dwindled to nothing. That's ok, because this blog was in the real sense a web log. I am logging my relationship with Sybil. My lack of posting has nothing to do with some big time breakthrough in our marriage. Nope. I just got tired of writing the same stuff. I'm coming to the end of the road.

But...I've got a little time, and I wanted to blog what happened earlier today. I'm always amazed at the ability people have to rationalize stuff. We all do it. All of us. We never seem to realize that we are doing it, either. Just today Sybil did it. She was talking about this woman we know. She has 4 kids from 2 different fathers, debt up to her ears, can't pay her rent, car has died, and divorced (again). However, she managed to find a guy to not only give her a car free and clear, but also pay her rent for the year. I made the remark of a sexual quid pro quo (involving her performing oral sex on him). Her only remark: "If you had played your cards right, you would be getting a bj too." Nice. Sex as a weapon. Nothing like trying to manipulate someone into doing your bidding. I don't think she saw how she sunk herself to that woman's level. The only difference is that Sybil chooses to use negative reinforcement, instead of positive reinforcement. The other woman is getting a free car and her rent paid. Sybil is getting my ire and resentment. Who is smarter? One catches more flies with honey than with vinegar.

It's that kind of thing that has worn me down. Eighteen years of it. Nothing like being made to feel like a puppet on the end of the string. Naturally, if all I do is what she wants, she isn't happy with that either. Doing so means that I am not thinking for myself.

Seething Resentment

2011-04-20T06:04:00.001-07:00

Sybil and I are coming up on 18 years of marriage. These days, that is an accomplishment. I am always wondering how other couples deal with past hurts both big and small. Do they forgive and forget, or do they use the hurt as a bludgeon? Do they use these mistakes as a way to win the argument, or are the mistakes brought up as a way to show a pattern of behavior? Or is this bludgeon a way to change the other's behavior?

I don't have the answer to those questions.

In this blog, I have written about Sybil's behavior. I have not posted even half of the stuff that goes on. "Mommy Dearest" comes to mind. Very similar behavior at times. At other times, she is nothing like that, hence the moniker of Sybil.

My question in this post is about the statute of limitations. I will be the first to say that I have made two huge errors in my marriage. They both were business decisions that were extraordinarily bad. One sprang from my pride, and one sprang from my not wanting to "upset the apple cart". I'm not talking about infidelity or anything that big. No, I am talking about two times that I failed to listen to Sybil and got bitten for it. I have admitted to my poor decisions. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that has been done. I cannot. I can only move forward and try to learn from them.

So what is the statute of limitations? When am I off of probation? Whenever a disagreement comes about, Sybil uses these two issues to undermine my position. Her resentment and even anger towards me is palpable, yet despite my best efforts, she will not forgive me. She says she does, but why bring these issues up at every turn? That tells me that she does not forgive me.

Between these decisions and Sybil's demeanor towards me, my self-confidence is at an all time low. Sybil has always questioned everything I have done and sought ways to control my behavior (I don't say the right thing, don't act the right way, etc.). With new ammunition, she is able to step up the assault on me. If she resents me so much, why not just do us both a favor and leave? Stubbornness. Sybil is stubborn (in fairness, I am stubborn also). Leaving would admit defeat. That cannot happen.

Although Sybil feels that everything wrong in her life is because of me, she will have to be the one to get over it. I cannot make her. She will have to be the one to either "fish or cut bait". Either way the resentment will end.

I'm Not the Only One

2011-03-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

I read this post at The Good Men Project. It fits a lot of what I see/feel. I was such a laid back kind of guy. Sybil knows how to punch my buttons.

It's amazing how she complains about my lack of confidence, yet does everything in her power to make sure I'm torn down. A good example of a "death by a thousand papercuts": called to bring her lunch (it was lunch time, and she was at the office on Saturday). I had gotten up at 5AM to work at a charity event from 6AM to 12 PM. I called her to ask what she wanted, I bought her lunch, I brought the lunch to her, and she complained that I didn't get her fries (the same Sybil that complains about her weight). She didn't appreciate my efforts in caring about what she wants. I really don't care about this incident, because this is typical Sybil. I use it to illustrate how nearly 18 years of this and worse wears the other person down.

I have two choices: quit trying or quit caring. Since it's obvious that Sybil is a complete bitch and always has been, I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed.

I'm an Ol' Meanie

2011-02-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

"You're so MEAN!!," yelled Sybil.

I had just turned off the TV and turned towards her as I prepared to go to sleep. It was late (~11:30 pm), and I had to get up early. Sybil had gone to bed around 7:30 due to a bad headache (combination of staying up too late the night before and stress at the office). When I came to bed around 10:00, she was sound asleep. I watched a little TV before going to sleep.

At one point Sybil awoke and asked, "What time is it?"

"Around 11:30," I answered.

"AM or PM?"

"PM."

At this point, I thought Sybil was asleep: she asked an obviously stupid question (it was pitch black in our bedroom) and had gone silent. Imagine my surprise, when she yelled, "You're so MEAN!!"

WTF?!?!? I literally jumped out of bed. I was almost asleep, and her exclamation was so surprising I reacted by nearly jumping out of my skin.

Since I turned off the TV and turned towards in preparation to go to sleep without asking about her headache, I just do not care. I only care about myself. I defended myself that she seemed about to go to sleep judging by her reaction and her inability ascertain whether or not it is PM or AM. Nope. I. Just. Do. Not. Care.

After that tiff, she might be on to something. I just about do not care. If it were not for the kids, I would be out of here. The kids are the only thing that is keeping me here. Sybil has created a home life that is just unbearable. It's not that I don't care about Sybil's well-being. I just don't care about the abuse.

I must maintain for the kids' sake. I am just an Average Married Chump.

Was: The Walkabout Continues

2011-02-02T05:05:00.000-08:00

This is what I intended to write about

I have been away reading various blogs on what women want. I am familiar with the mainstream version: women want a nice guy that will listen to them and treat them special. This makes for a "Princess on a Pedestal". I have noticed a running theme in today's culture that says women are, somehow, superior to men. I see it in TV shows, movies, on the news, etc.

Now, the blogs I am reading are ones that run counter to what is in pop-culture. These blogs deal with doing exactly the opposite of what a woman tells you they want. Ideas are boiled down to "Alpha" behavior verses "Beta" behavior. Our culture says women want a Beta provider to take care of them, yet what men see are Alpha males getting the women.

Beta males are the providers. These men get up early and go to bed late. They work hard and die young. They see themselves as the provider for the family. They try to do what they're wives/girlfriends ask at all times. Obviously, the vast majority of men are in this category. Think of them as the steady, wage earner. Kind of dull but consistent and steady.

Alpha males are the "bad boys". They are only out for themselves and whatever they can get from others. They tend to treat women as objects and have a misogynistic streak. He would never treat a woman as the most important thing in his life. As a matter of fact, he expects the woman to treat him as the most important thing. He is not interested in a family life.

The idea that women are attracted to the Bad Boy is nothing new. I wish I had a nickel for every woman that said she wished she could find a nice guy, yet this same woman kept going after the Bad Boy. These women never seemed to be self-aware enough to realize they are responsible for the Bad Boy. Men are simple creatures. However, men are not stupid. If men start seeing that what women really want is a Bad Boy to move them, then that is what they will become.

Well, I'm not really in the mood. Yes, I've been traipsing around the "manosphere" with its men's rights. Too many times it seems too jaded. No, instead I'll talk about my favorite subject: Sybil and our Co-Dependent Marriage.

I'm really tired of being married right now. It is too hard. It is too hard being told that being decisive means I don't listen to her opinions. It's too hard being told that I'm not decisive enough. It's too hard having the feeling of Charlie Brown trying to kick that football only to have it pulled away. It's too hard having strict boundaries in the bedroom.

I think I could put up with a lot of Sybil's BS, if the bedroom stuff was ok. Type A, control freaks never shut that aspect of their personality off. It defines who they are. That aspect makes for a difficult living arrangement. They feel the need to ALWAYS be in control no matter the situation. Not only must they be in control but others around them must accept their control. If others do not, then they are selfish people. Sadly, these controlling people never see themselves as the actual narcissus. They never see that their mentality leaves no room for other's opinions or feelings.

The Ideal Parent

2011-01-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

Amy Chua wrote this article in the Wall Street Journal about the supremacy of a Chinese upbringing. In it she describes her parenting style, and it being an anathema to Western thought. She compares and contrasts Chinese moms to Western moms. Since Sybil is Chinese (immigrated from Hong Kong when she was 7), I'll chime in, also.

Ms. Chua has a point about the positives of how Chinese moms parent. They are much more strict and take less B.S. than their Western counterparts. Sybil is a perfectionist, which goes along with the Chinese stereotype. She expects her children to as perfect as possible. Of her siblings, she is the least successful: oldest brother is a physician, second oldest is an aeronautical engineer, third oldest is an electrical engineer, older sister is a pharmacist, and younger brother is a pharmacist. Sybil by contrast was a stay-at-home-mom until our youngest was old enough to go to school. Now she helps me in my business. I have seen first hand how a Chinese mom can be. In a word, they are tyrants.

That does not mean that Chinese moms do not love their children. They express their desire to have the best for their children by trying to mold them into being the best. Chinese women have a control freakishness about them that is surprising. The stereotypical Chinese woman is subservient to her husband. That may be true in movies. I have never seen it. Not her mother nor her sister. This need to control extends to their children. Couple that need to status (having "face"), and that is can be a bad mixture.

This mixture makes Chinese people great employees. You want a software written without bugs? Get a Chinese person to do it. You want a doctor to operate on you? Get a Chinese person to do it. You get the drift. Sadly, this form of upbringing makes for poor entrepreneurs. The perfectionist, play-it-safe upbringing makes for a terrible skill set for striking out on one's own. The fear of failure and, therefore, loss of face is too great. A Chinese upbringing makes for too much emphasis to be placed on getting the right credentials and not developing a skill set.

What skills are needed? In my opinion, the ones listed below:
1. Self-esteem. To start a business or move up in the corporate ladder one needs self-esteem. Being a worker bee trapped in a cubicle, while safe, is a soul-sucking existence.
2. Networking. Controlling the types of people one's children come in contact with, leaves that person in a poor position to be able to relate to others. Many Chinese people have a hard time relating to non-Chinese people.

3. Broad knowledge. Thinking that one has the right credentials guarantees life long income and comfort is wrong headed. As the economy changes, getting more credentials only means one becomes more and more specialized. The more specialized one becomes the less able to adapt to change. Also, credentialism has little to do with intelligence or knowledge.

What happens to these Chinese kids in the real world? They've gone to be best universities and have seemingly successful careers, yet they are "socially autistic". They become disillusioned with their life's path, which leads to bitterness.

I think life has to be a balancing act. Only focusing on getting "A's" in school, being the best in piano, etc. with nothing else to make one a well-rounded person makes for a sad, shallow existence. Life is a challenge. Being so caught up being the best, creates more stress and challenges.

I'm Not Dead

2011-01-10T11:25:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the dearth of posts. It seems that as a blog ages, the posts become less frequent.

Things with Sybil and me are pretty good right now. It comes down to acceptance. She is starting to accept my faults, instead of trying to change them. I'm starting to accept the fact that this is as good as it gets. With the exception of her over the top, exaggerated histrionics, she's a pretty decent wife. Naturally, I wish the sex was better. I guess vanilla ice cream is better than no ice cream.

After over 17 years of marriage, it boils down to love. What is love, though? It isn't that tingly feeling that one gets. It is much calmer. Although I wish the lust portion of our marriage was better, I think we are more in love now than we have been in a long time. We still have a our blow-ups, but she is more calmer. I think Sybil decided to make peace with me. I think I have decided to make peace with her. That is the key to it.

People spend so much of their time being resentful that it becomes like a virus. When a virus infects a cell, it takes over the machinery of the cell. The cell starts producing more viruses that are spread to more cells and so on. Stopping the process of resentment infection can be very difficult. Forgiving someone for a slight (either real or perceived) is very key. Oh sure we can say, "I forgive you," but until that is in one's heart, it's meaningless. Many people have resentment towards their spouse and can't let it go. This leads to divorce which is very destructive on so many levels. That destruction can be staved off by forgiveness. Sounds so simple, yet it is so hard.

That's why I haven't been posting much. Sybil and I have come to a consensus. This blog was about my struggles with Sybil. Since we haven't been struggling as much, I don't have as much to post about. I will be posting, periodically. The focus will, probably, change to other topics. Topics that I have been thinking about as far as marriage in general, rather than focusing on my marriage only.

Thanks for reading this pitiful wretch's blog. Life is a struggle. We must always endeavor to persevere.

New Horizon or SSDD*?

2010-10-08T05:01:00.000-07:00

Sybil and I had a long "discussion" last night. It centered on how she doesn't feel connected with me anymore. I do not put forth any effort in maintaining our relationship (funny...I thought we were married). She is carrying the burden of said relationship.

I, totally, get what she is saying. Sybil is correct. I have been "phoning it in" for quite some time. Basically, since June of 2006. That time in Las Vegas did more damage than benefit in my eyes. During that fateful trip, I learned a couple of things. The main thing I learned was to dial down my libido and radically decrease my expectations. If I am to maintain any semblance of marital calm, I cannot expect fun times with Sybil.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the conversation was she feels that I am not emotionally attached to our relationship (or marriage or whatever). I guess I have stopped trying in some ways. Let's run through the list of things that have caused me to "phone it in":

Sex with Sybil is boring. She has sooooo many boundaries and rules that escaping from a Soviet Gulag would be easier.
Oral sex either received or given is limited in quantity. Sybil uses fellatio as a tool for control. I mean I don't want to expect it, now do I (once a quarter is enough me, right?)? Cunnilingus is kind of disgusting for me to go down there, so we can't do that.
On the rare occasion that I try to have a little diversion (read a book, watch a movie/ballgame, play on the computer, etc.), Sybil accuses me of being selfish for not wanting to spend time with her.
Getting up early, getting the kids to school, making her coffee, letting her sleep in, working 10-12 hour days in a stressful profession, helping run the kids to their various after school activities, not denying her anything (materially), and helping around the house is not enough. When I collapse at 9:30 in the evening, I am a selfish jerk for not wanting to stay awake and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
Said conversations are never about how I feel; they are only about what I have done to make her unhappy. If I bring up something (for example, I don't appreciate the verbal abuse heaped upon me) then I hear, "If you didn't X, Y, or Z, then you would not have to hear the abuse."

Men can handle aggravation, generally, better than women. If a women had to contend with the above list and received verbal abuse, she would be out of the door taking half of his stuff so fast one's head would spin. Even so, at what point do I begin to think in terms of a bad investment? At what point do I begin to think in terms of little reward for my efforts? I guess I already am.

Realistically, I am the one at fault. In the beginning of our marriage (not just relationship), I allowed her to set the tone. I thought that, if I showed her my love (kind of put her on a pedestal), then everything would be ok. I have learned just how wrong I was. Putting another on a pedestal only means that you are at his/her feet.

So the conversation while meaningful for Sybil did not really resolve anything for me. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions or part in this drama. Therefore, I can only say that we are not facing a New Horizon, but we are facing SSDD.

*SSDD is "Same Shit Different Day" for those that do not know.

This Sums It All Up

2010-09-20T17:17:00.001-07:00

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We
had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for
dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation
wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say
much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with
me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't
know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we
got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to
seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded
to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that
he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere
else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I
got laid.

Again...I'm Not Dead

2010-09-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.

On That Road to Hell...Redux

2010-04-28T07:05:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't posted a good fight between Sybil and me in awhile. This one is a doozy. I had to look up a fight that was similar to this one.

It all happened Saturday. Sybil asked me to install a special type of thermostat at the office. It automatically changes from heat to cool depending on the settings. Now, I'm a pretty smart guy, but I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I know it will take me awhile. Since there are two, I know it will take me awhile longer for two (although the second one was easier). While I'm trying to figure this out and install it correctly, Sybil sent me a text message. Since I'm deep in thought and really wanting to get the project done as quickly and efficiently as possible, I ignore the text. Sybil decides to call me. I had to stop everything and answer the phone. Apparently, I sounded irritated (which I was). This adds to up to a big no-no.

Later that night, my parents, Sybil, and I are in the living room talking. She wanted to know, if the thermostat in the house was same as the living room. I answered, "Yes". It wasn't, but the setup was the same. That is what I was trying to say, but I totally botched it. My father and I continued to talk about thermostats. Then I said, "No" to it being the same. Not realizing that I had contradicted myself. This was the final straw. As everyone drifted to bed, I noticed Sybil acting withdrawn. I thought, "WTF did I do THIS time?"

I let Sybil go to bed. I waited about 45 minutes (I was pretty steamed). I went to the bedroom. Now it is on. I kept asking Sybil what the problem was. She kept saying "Wow" like it was so obvious. Everytime I asked she said "Wow!" This went on for a long time. I was racking my brain about the conversation. She kept saying it had to do with what I said. "WTF," I thought. I went through the topics of conversation. Finally, I landed on the right one: the thermostat. Apparently, I lied to her about the thermostat, when she asked me about it. I told her one thing and told my father something else. Now, Sybil is in full victim mode: no one listens to her, no one cares about her, she is nothing but a "hole", she will just sleep on the floor because she is beneath me.

I apologized for my inconsistent answer. Profusely. I didn't mean to give inconsistent answers, but I did not lie. Why would I? Besides a lie has to do with intent: intentionally trying to mislead someone. I did not do that. I admitted to giving her a dumb answer but I did not lie. In giving her this answer, I revealed that I don't care about her. Sybil is nothing but a "hole" to me. I kept trying to reassure her that was not the case. I apologized many times.

Then Sybil brings up the texting thing. Whenever I hear my phone, I should check it no matter what I'm doing. Now, we have had discussions before about the proper role of texting: it is used for communication when one knows that the other party is busy. If the topic is more pressing, then one calls. Sybil says, "What if I had a wreck and I was bleeding profusely? You wouldn't know because you wouldn't answer your text." Huh? I answered that is pretty stupid because if someone is bleeding profusely, then I would expect a phone call. Saturday night conversation ended with Sybil sleeping on the floor and me sleeping in the bed.

Sunday morning comes along. I try to restart the conversation. Again, I am met with how I am a liar and don't care. Again, Sybil brings up the texting thing. Again, I apologize profusely. She refuses to accept it. She's heard it all before. She knows it is empty words. I don't think, I don't care about her, etc.

Since that day, Sybil has not worn her ring. She has a nice white mark there where it was. Right now, I don't even care. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the resentment. I'm tired of having to watch every little thing I do. I'm tired of Sybil's constant criticism. What I did was stupid, but it does not rise to this level of drama! I didn't go out bar hopping without permission, I did not sleep with another person, I did not hit her, I did not do anything except make a stupid comment. Period. If she wants to take ring off as a symbol of divorce. Fine. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm ok with her divorcing me. If I am such a terrible husband, then she should leave.

So I'm on that Road to Hell...again.

I'm Not Dead

2010-04-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

But I am not really feeling alive. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I'm definitely in a funk. I'm not sure why. Probably stress. Living with Sybil, work, and kids make for a lot of stress.

I wish I could say my lack of posting means that Sybil and I had some sort of break through. Alas, it is more of the same. After nearly 17 years of marriage, we seem to be moving from romantic love towards agape love. Maybe that will be much deeper and satisfying? Sadly, all I want to do in bed is sleep.

Is this how affairs happen? When someone says, "I didn't mean for this to happen," are they in the same mental state as I? I've never believed that whole excuse. I will not be having an affair. The whole idea of having an affair is repugnant to me. The lingering pain that would cause is too much. Affairs are self-centered acts. Marriage is supposed to self-less. That being said, I do have more empathy for those that stray. The feeling of plodding along through life is a weight that is bearing down upon me.

Yup!

2010-02-02T05:46:00.001-08:00

Denial Isn't Just a River in Egypt

2010-01-19T05:52:00.000-08:00

Denial is a subversive thing. One never knows one is denial. We all have aspects in our lives that we subconsciously turn a blind eye.

I've been living with an abuser for over 16 years. There, I said it. I don't mean in a physical sense but a verbal and psychological sense. Years of yelling and constant criticism have taken their toll. The affects are insidious. Kind of a frog in boiling water kind of thing. It's amazing really. It has only been recently that I've noticed its effects on me: I've taken on the negative attributes of Sybil.

In an epiphany after one of our numerous spats, it came to me. I have, unwittingly, started to act like Sybil. I've developed an extremely short fuse; I've started trying to shout down any opposition; I've started to shift the blame to others; I've become ultra-defensive. I used to be such a laid back person. Sadly, I've noticed a change in my behavior. I've noticed an ugliness about me that smacks of Sybil.

I've been in denial about this for a long time. I won't go into details about what brought everything into focus. It was my response during one of our numerous, stupid arguments. Sybil started yelling at me; I retaliated by yelling at her; it ended with my yelling, "Whatever!", which brought the argument to an end. That was 10 days ago. Sybil is acting distant. I wish she could see that her way of going into an argument ratchets up the emotional response from me. I've tried to bring this to her attention, but she always blames me for her reaction. Typical for an abuser. Abusers never take responsibility for the abuse they dish out. If only the abusee would stop doing ______, the abuser would not have to react that way.

Not only has years of abuse changed my behavior in these situations, but also it has affected my self-esteem. Only now I am coming to realize that years of putting up with being made to feel inferior by constant criticism and verbal abuse has really taken its toll on my self-image. In this struggle, I have to maintain my self. I must rely upon my inner strength to keep going.

Denial is at an end. Like many victims of abuse, I defended Sybil in my mind. If only I hadn't done ______ or had done ______, then everything would have been great. The only problem is I'm not perfect. I know I am a hopelessly flawed person. EVERYONE is, though. Until a few years ago, I have always been able to forgive Sybil and move on. Within those dark times, I held anger and resentment towards Sybil. These emotions were brought on by Sybil's attacks. When I had my epiphany, I realized that I will never be able to be that happy, self-confident person again unless I forgive Sybil. Sybil is hopelessly flawed. I must be able to forgive her and not give into my baser instincts of lashing out. I must take the high road no matter what happens.

I don't know what the future will hold for Sybil and me. Divorce? Reconciliation? Status quo? Two strangers living together? All I know is that I must regain my self.

Later,
Aphron

That Third Option is Almost Here

2010-01-12T07:14:00.000-08:00

I'll bet that within my lifetime sexbots will be available. This article about one such 'bot tells me that we are getting closer. It won't be long now. It will be the death of human race.

For men, we can have someone to satisfy our physical pleasures and not hear: "whether this dress makes me look fat." We can focus on our favorite sport without being made to feel guilty for focusing on something besides the female in our lives for three to six hours a week. Since most women under the age of 40 can't cook anyhow, we can either continue feeding ourselves or we can program our 'bot to do it for us. There is no downside.

For women, a sexbot will be the perfect answer. It will be able to last as long as needed. It is always a captivated audience. The 'bot won't complain about have to sit through another episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians." It love you no matter what dress size your wear. The toilet seat will remain exactly how you left it.

I predict, with the advent of these wonderful humanoids, we will see birth rates drop, marriage rates drop and divorce rates will increase. Within a 100 years, the human race will be no more.

Housekeeping

2010-01-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Well, my blogging is way down...kind of like my libido.

We survived the trip to the beach for Thanksgiving. We survived the holidays, although I've learned that too much together time with Sybil is not a good thing. That doesn't bode well for retirement.

Who's seen the the new law in France would ban psychological violence. What is that, exactly? Seems rather open ended. If that law were passed here, could I bring Sybil up on charges? Since women love arguments and wade into controversy much easier than men, I would think that women would be against this law.

I've come to discover that Desperate Housewives is a guilty pleasure. Since the show is basically written by some woman hater, it shouldn't come as any great surprise. Each of the female characters is a caricature of all that is wrong with the "fairer sex".

Right now, I don't like women very much. I could never be gay, so I'm hoping for a third option.

Five Go Out; Four Come Back

2009-11-24T05:24:00.001-08:00

Well, we plan on going to the beach this year for Thanksgiving. Not only are we going to the beach, but also we are camping...in a tent.

I wish I could tell you that I am REALLY looking forward to it, but I cannot. I'm not looking forward to the 6-7 hour drive to get there. I'm not looking forward to setting up our campsite in the dark (Sybil wants the kids to go to their half day of school). I'm not looking forward to spending the weekend with Sybil.

Don't get me wrong; I love to camp. I love the primitive nature of shedding the stress of the office and slowing down. When we went to this particular place a couple of years ago, it was a lot of fun. The weather was great. The bright spot is we always go with our friends of ~15 years. They can act as our referee.

Hours in a car; sleeping in a tent; what could go wrong?

Keep me in your prayers.

Later,

Aphron

We Don't Live in North Carolina:

2009-11-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

From This Website:

Grocery Store | Greensboro, NC, USA

(I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

(As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

The process of "de-balling" is slow and inexorable.

Later,

Aphron

Wow! Another Post

2009-11-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

Another post in the same month. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Resentment is what's ricocheting in my head right now. Pure, evil resentment. Resentment is an amazing thing. It is a very sneaky bugger. One doesn't know about one's suffering from it until one has a full-blown case of it. It has many causes but the end result is the same: anger. Sadly, I think this phenomenon is the root cause for discord in a marriage.

Resentment can make one seem childish. How to deal with resentment? How does one let go of the poison in one's system? I stand (actually, sit in front of my screen) as one that suffers from this calamity. As one that suffers from it, I, alone, can solve it. In theory, it is very simple. Confront the reason for my resentment. In my case, it is Sybil.

As an illustration, let me offer an example of the cause of resentment. As I was helping daughter with learning the states and capitals in the Pacific time zone last night, Sybil thought of a different way of doing it. I will admit to her way being simpler than mine. Let us say that I was "over engineering" the solution. When Sybil saw what my solution was, her response was to call me "Idiot".

Verbal abuse? To be sure. How did I deal with it? I didn't. Why? In times past I have confronted Sybil in these situations. She likes to hurl what I've called "verbal hand grenades". By lobbing these hand grenades, Sybil had blithely toss them and run, figuratively speaking. The defense she offers up is "well, you were acting like an idiot" or "you frustrated me with how you did it". As she uses these excuses, I ask her, "if our kids called another an idiot for whatever reason, would that be ok with you?" Her response is to still continue to blame me for her bad behavior.

This leads to resentment. Sybil does not offer an apology. Since I was doing something stupid, she has the every right to call me an idiot, in her mind. She does not see the long term effect this would cause someone. Multiply this sort of thing by 16 years, and one sees what I mean. This is just one little thing (sticks and stones kind of thing). Add that product to years of sexual suffocation and the end result is not pretty.

What is the answer? If I were not a Christian and more narcissistic, I would leave Sybil. That is not off of the table. Sadly, she is too intertwined in my professional life. Not mention the three ankle biters I have living with me. I guess I'll continue to blog about my personal problems. I guess I haven't, totally, vented my spleen.

Later,
Aphron

A New Post at Last

2009-11-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, let me just say that I have not been a good blogger.

I have thoughts of stopping blogging all together. I started "Foolish Mutterings" as a kind of catharsis for the frustrations inside my marriage. While I have not REALLY solved many of the frustrations inside my marriage, I have learned to cope better with Sybil. This blog has helped with that coping mechanism. By typing all many of the goings on over the past few years, a kind of therapeutic effect has occurred.

We all make choices in our lives. We have to live with those choices (unless you're AIG). I chose to marry and reproduce with Sybil. Actually, I chose to reproduce and marry Sybil. Being the honorable person that I am, I "did the right thing". Two more kids later, I am still "doing the right thing". Like many on my blogroll, I am in a less than ideal situation. But...who is? No one. We are given choices, we make decisions on those choices, and we make the best of things. That is what I have done.

My lack of posting has more to do with losing interest in typing the same thing over and over. I love chocolate cake, but I don't want it every day for every meal. As much enjoyment I get out of "venting my spleen", I have learned that this oral masturbation is less than satisfactory. Like sexual masturbation, it may help fill a need, but it only dampens the appetite not satisfying it. Therefore, I have less enthusiasm about posting. Even blogging in general.

Instead, I've tried to focus on real resolution of my problems with Sybil. It's hard. If Sybil had her own blog (she may; I don't know), she would be writing about how difficult living with me is. That is the way of marriage. Eventually, one has two choices: accept the person and try to love him/her OR leave. I have come to realize that I could never leave Sybil. I may be a lot of things, but disloyal I am not. I still subscribe to romantic notions of honor and loyalty. Leaving Sybil would be terribly dishonorable for me. Although there are times... I feel that I am destined to be with Sybil. Also, there are three other people that need me to be there. I can't abandon them. Lastly, things between Sybil and me are improving, but it took a health scare to really bring it home. Everything is ok, but I'll post on that at a later time.

All of this has been rattling around in my little head. I will still post on occasion, and I'm sure my readership is down drastically. However, I just don't feel the compulsion anymore. I just don't feel the need to bare my heart here like I did. I guess I feel that I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

Sadly, I've not written about love. Where is love in all of this? I do love Sybil, but it is not the hot, romantic love we had years ago. I guess this is normal for couples. Things cool down due to little resentments and annoyances that have occurred over the years. It's hard to be hot and bothered about someone, when that person was a bitch/bastard earlier today. It's hard to be let down, sexually, speaking time and again. Love becomes something different. This love burns slowly and warmly, but this love does not consume. That elderly couple that has been together for 50 years are probably no different that Sybil and me.

Well, I'll wrap up this rambling post now. There, are you happy FTN? Heh, I may be posting more to noodle out other thoughts rattling around in that space above my neck.

Later,
Aphron

Hello,,,Is Anybody There?

2009-09-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm alive. Just not a lot going on. Sybil and I are in a pretty good place. We have learned how to communicate with each other better. I mean it only took 16 years. That's not to say we don't have our disagreements; we do. It just means they aren't quite to the same level of vitriol as they once were. Yes, she still is a drama queen. Her drama doesn't send me around the bend like it used to do.

Physically speaking, things are about the same. Like many of the blogs I read, we suffer from differing views of what we want. Sybil erected walls that I cannot scale, and boundaries I cannot cross. No amount of communication will ever change that. When I read other blogs, I am grateful to be having sex. Sadly, I am human and always want more than I have. Ratcheting down my wants has seemed to do the trick. Kind of sad, but that is the state of my "affairs".

Although we tend to have our disagreements and have differing sexual "appetities", we have come to realize that we have a pretty good thing going. We, also, have to come realize that we will never be perfect, and we will never have a perfect marriage.

A Snapshot in Time

2009-08-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

I love the ability to stay connected with Sybil.  For us to be able to
communicate with each other at the drop of a hat.
Today's communication in action is seen below.  This is pasted from our
Blackberry Messenger chat.

Aphron: Whatcha want?
Sybil: Moo shee? Wat u want?
Aphron: Sho. 
Aphron: Bout (daughter)?
Sybil: Watz tat?
Aphron: Wut duz (daughter) want?
Aphron: Um, hello. Anyone there?
Sybil: If u want, order 2 go 
Aphron: K. 
{At this point Sybil calls me to let me know
I didn't read the message about what daughter wants}
Sybil: Y did u hang up on me?>:O 
Aphron: Ordering. 
Sybil: I sed 2 order pork fried rice 2!
Aphron: Oops. I guess I was rude. 
Aphron: Sorry. 
Sybil: R u getting mesgs!
Aphron: Now. 
Aphron: What does she want. 
Sybil: Huh?
Aphron: Nuttin. Ordering: gen chick, dump, phat nood
with chick,mu shu pork,  2 chick soup, pork fried rice. 
Sybil: R u getting any mesgs?
Aphron: I got this one
Sybil: Wat r u doing wrong?
Sybil: >:O >:O >:O 
Aphron: Dunno. Y r u so angry?  
Aphron: :( :( :( 
Sybil: Don't lik 2 b ignored! DUH!>:O >:O >:O 
Sybil: & CUT OFF!!!>:O >:O >:O 
Aphron: I'm not ignoring. I didn't get a message. :( :( :( 
Aphron: I did cut off. I apologize. 
Sybil: Sur! Tats always ur excuse! ITS OLD!!!
Aphron: Well, how is it my fault that I missed a message?
Sybil: U didn't mis mesg! U got it & deleted it! But
I hav poof!!!
Sybil: Fat Noodle & soup I ges
Aphron: What?  I deleted it?  Why would I delete it?
Sybil: 2 hide ur meanus! U not very brite! Hahahahhah
Aphron: What is a 'meanus'?  Is that me anus?
Sybil: =D no u r so gross, meanus=meanness! Get ur hed out
o guttr!  Yuk:& 
Aphron: Oh...meanness. Well, you got me. I like to ignore u
because I can'tbe truly happy unless you are angry.
I'm masochistic like that.

Busted!

2009-07-24T06:08:00.001-07:00

I admit it. I was busted yesterday. Sybil and I were eating lunch talking about the day's happenings. Since we were seated with a view looking directly at the front door, we could see every one as they entered the restaurant.

A reasonably attractive, young woman walked in with her boyfriend/significant other. What was noticeable was that her top was low cut with a "V". Apparently, as we talked my eyes followed her to her seat. Sybil noticed this and made a comment. Now, I do not remember thinking unclean thoughts. I did remember thinking that she was reasonably attractive, with a shorter, goofy looking guy, and her hair was similar in cut to the restaurant owner's wife.

When Sybil made her comment, I, jokingly, remarked, "Yeah, but I'll be going home with you." Well, Sybil did not find that funny. She asked what I was thinking as the woman moved towards her seat, because I couldn't complete a sentence. At that time, I could not remember. I still thought it was no big deal (forgetting that EVERYTHING is a big deal to Sybil). Finally, I said something about the similarity of the hair. Sybil rolled her eyes. Then she said something about this being just like what happened before we were married. Yep, that's over 16 years ago.

The incident she is referring to is a meeting with an ex. It was not meant to be clandestine. Sybil and I were not that serious (I guess in my mind). It was in an extremely public place (we walked down a public street). For me the meeting was to try to get some closure (it's complicated). Anyway, that was event that was thrown into my face.

Now, I totally get her being unhappy with me ogling another woman. I understand her insecurity (well...kind of). It was stupid of me, but I admit it was an unconscious act. I don't get having something that happened a long time ago used to bash me over my head. Sigh. That's Sybil.

Drama, Redux

2009-07-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

*WARNING* Long, possibly disorganized post.

I posted awhile ago about drama. I wrote how I thought it was mainly in the realm of women, but I have learned that men engage in it also but under a different name. I will say that Sybil seems to attract an inordinate amount of it. If she is not starting the drama, then she is still, somehow, in the middle of it.

One of the things I have not posted about is my relationship with my church, specifically its pastor. I'll call him CH. CH has been the pastor of my church for over two years. As an United Methodist, we tend to change pastors regularly. We were fairly regular attendees for a number of years at this church. We may not have gone EVERY Sunday, but we attended more often than not. This all changed last late Fall/Winter. CH's son, who kind of drifted from one thing to another, joined the Marines and was shipping out one Sunday afternoon. On that particular Sunday, CH spent most of the worship service tearing up and talking about his son leaving. He called people up to the altar to offer up prayer for his son. It was rather creepy; I felt like I was at a funeral. Also, it was rather narcissistic; he took most of the service not talking about God or Christianity but talking about his son. It's not like the church hadn't already had an event for his son the day before. It turned me off from going to worship service.

About this time my work became exceedingly hectic with Sybil and me working long hours in my office. With our kids having many activities, hectic work, and the above story, Sunday service became less important. We, essentially, quit going to service and would rarely go to Sunday school. We went from being regular attendees to rare attendees. Apparently, CH noticed this. Instead of calling us and asking what was wrong as a good leader (aka. shepherd) should, he asked, "Is Aphron and Sybil doing ok?" Insuating that we were on the skids. This floated around and got back to the youth. We heard about it and had to have a frank conversation with our children (Son#1 is/was in youth). So instead of trying to bring back a lost sheep, our shephard busily engaged in rumor mongering. That killed our desire to go to church. Add Son#2's baseball schedule in late Winter through Spring/early Summer, we stopped attending altogether.

Now, Sybil has been the chair of Christian Education for over 6 years. She has worked with 3 program directors and 2 pastors. Due to scheduling, she missed one meeting (I went as her proxy) and wasn't going to church. When Son #2's baseball finally ended, the first thing she did was to call the program director (PD) and work on scheduling a meeting and an agenda. PD informed Sybil that the committee was being dissolved and folded into another committee due to lack of attendence. Sybil was quite surprised because this was the first she had heard of this. If she hadn't called PD, she still would not know. Needless to say, Sybil was very disturbed by this, so she scheduled a meeting with CH. Apparently, she was last to find out. That's a funny thing, when one is the chairperson.

Sybil and myself met with CH 4 days ago to try and clear up the situation. Sybil was confused as what her role would be in the church. I expressed that I thought PD could have done a better job of communicating with Sybil about something this important. No sooner had I said it than PD barged in, uninvited, to our meeting. She became quite defensive, started attacking Sybil, and basically making a nuisance of herself. The whole time CH engaged in "naval gazing". He never said a word. I asked PD to excuse herself, which she promptly ignored. It was only that PD felt that she had exhausted herself that made her leave. Stunned silence ensued. We asked CH about why the door wasn't closed to which he replied that it was "against the law." Sybil had scheduled the meeting after hours, so the sudden appearance of PD was a shock. I tried to keep the conversation going and focus on the lack of communication our church as a whole has. Sybil expressed that she was quite shocked at what PD had done. She felt attacked. No sooner had she said this, when PD, again, barged in and started her attack on Sybil. Again, CH studied his naval. This was too much.

We never resolved what we had come to do. We had the issues I laid out above to discuss, but we never made it to those topics because of PD's attitude. I told CH that PD's behaviour was rude and unprofessional. I told CH that he needs to talk to PD and reign her in. Since there was to a committee meeting in two days, I asked CH to schedule a meeting with Sybil, PD, and himself to iron this situation. He agreed.

The next day Sybil appeared at the appointed meeting time. Only CH was attendance. He told her that PD would not be coming due to that situation being between PD and Sybil. He, instead, focused on Sybil's lack attendance and asked her to resign from her chair. Sybil, naturally, was surprised (who ever heard of a volunteer being fired). She thought the meeting was about PD's behaviour. Again, Sybil was ambushed and attacked. After talking with CH for nearly 45 minutes, she decided it was futile to continue the conversation and excused herself.

I'll try to shorten this long, meandering post. Sybil did attend the Christian education meeting. It was a productive meeting. She and PD had words after the meeting. Several people, including CH, stood outside the room to eavesdrop. CH got a good look at his naval. Since no one can win an arguement with Sybil, PD admitted her behaviour was out of bounds. The next day Sybil decided this BS wasn't worth it and resigned her chair.

This is why people have a negative view towards church and church goers. Righteousness is a grand thing. It, apparently, has a switch to be turned on and off at will. We are still grappling with these events and trying to decide our next course of action. Sybil wants me to let it go. That is out of character for her. It did take a toll (she lost a lot of sleep). I'm not sure what to do. I feel that I must confront CH and demand his apology to Sybil and myself. If none is forthcoming, I feel that my next course of action is drafting a letter to the District Superintendent, the Bishop, and the Staff/Parish relations committee. Sybil is adamant that I should let it go. I am so pissed off at CH. To top it off, I have two children that need baptizing, but I refuse to let this ungodly person do the honors. Sybil wants us to withdraw from going to service and focus on Sunday School. Right now, all I can do is go to God in prayer and hope the answer is forthcoming.

Drama

2009-06-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ah, the human condition. We seem to be hardwired to engage in drama. I'm truly amazed at what people get bent on the least of things.

Sybil's drama has been chronicled here. In fairness to her, our personal drama has decreased. I guess I finally caved in. The path of least resistance is to finally say, "Yup, you're right. I screwed up." All of the while thinking, "Of all of the things in my life to stress out about, we have to stress out about this." The other night, she managed to bring up stuff from when we were dating over 16 years ago to prove her point. By doing so, she made the discussion more about how much can she pummel Aphron over the head with past deeds and less about the issue at hand. I didn't even remember this deed, but she had. So, another strike against me.

Sadly, I'm beginning to think that Sybil is more the norm. I see drama everywhere. I read it on blogs, I see it at church, I see it in my office, etc. I used to take the misogynistic position that only women engage in drama. I've since learned that men do to...we call it sports (especially youth sports...especially youth baseball). I digress. The human condition is take situations that reveal a failing in someone and find ways to make sure they become personal.

Where does that lead us as a species? Not very good. Probably, the cold war was nothing but a bunch of people sitting around getting bent about some perceived slight. At the tender age of 40, I am just too naive. I really thought that life was stressful enough without having to go around and invent more stress.

On a personal note, Sybil and Daughter are out of town for a few days. That leaves me with the boys. I don't have to watch any Miley.

Aphron

That Crazy, Zany Sybil

2009-06-05T06:27:00.000-07:00

Although my frequency of posting has gone down considerably, do not think for an instant there is less drama, gently reader. Oh no. Much of the reason for my dirth in posting has to do with being very busy (I run my own business, have 3 active kids, and, oh by the way, am married). I do want to post this, which happened about 2 days ago.

Sybil awoke and informed me that she was hurt and angry with me. Now, I had not even had time to do anything to her, since I was about to leave for the office, and she had just popped her eyes open. What, pray tell, was the matter? It seems that I was divorcing her for another woman. That was news to me. I have written here before about divorce and my feelings about it (I'm too lazy to link to it). Also, not only was I going to divorce Sybil, but also for my brother's wife's sister. It seems that Sybil has had a miniseries of dreams for the past few days in which I was leaving her and the family for a woman that met once several years ago at my brother's wedding.

I know dreams can be powerful things. However, I was not prepared for how much Sybil was bothered by this. There is no logical reason for this to occur, yet for the next 3 days she was throwing comments around about the "incident." Enough so that I was left with the feeling that she truly believed that her dreams were a harbinger of things to come.

I do wonder, if that goes to her insecurity? If Sybil is insecure, then why hasn't she modified her behavior towards me?

Sybil, is that you?

I'm Not Dead, Yet

2009-04-28T14:00:00.001-07:00

I apologize for being a terrible host. I have two good excuses:
1. I haven't had the time.
2. I haven't had anything to say.

Blogging under those conditions means less of it. I will pass along a few items, though.

Sybil and I have broken through a lot of our issues. She still is way over the top in terms of anger. I have come to realize that is her way of dealing with a stressful situation. I am learning to try not to react in a similar fashion. That just leads to an escalation. We have become more patient with each other. I think she also realizes that her behavior is destructive. However, I doubt she would ever admit to that.

Like many people, I am apprehensive about the economy. My apprehension grows, when I hear the President and other politicos talk about matters that will directly effect my profession, and, therefore, my family's income.

So pretty mundane around here. That's the way I like it. I have had so much drama in my life, and I am enjoying not having any.

Cheers,

Aphron

Thought I'd pass this along

2009-02-27T06:31:00.001-08:00

My father is always forwarding stuff to me. That's the joys of retirement, I guess. I thought I'd post this in lieu of an actual, substantive post.

Enjoy,
Aphron

Wrapping It Up

2009-02-09T05:41:00.001-08:00

After referencing the Apostle Paul in my last two posts, it is very important to see the role of sex in a marriage (I won't get into sex outside of marriage...I'm not trying to make a moral statement). Sex in the marriage is very important. Sex is part of the glue that holds the marriage together. Healthy sex is needed to keep out sexual temptation. One commenter spoke of Paul as being a misogynist. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is the line about wives submitting to their husbands. With the exception of that bit, I don't see Paul as a misogynist. Paul describes himself as asexual. He would rather no one got married but sees a need for marriage to keep people from falling into sexual temptation.

In today's world, we are not taught to share ourselves with others. Today's world is all about the individual. Yet, marriage is the ultimate team sport. If marriage means the complete bonding of two people, then it follows that means physically as well. The question of control should never come up. One person should not be able to hold all of the cards. This is not bonding; this is a dictatorship. When one spouse (I, generally, use women because that's my personal experience) withholds ANYTHING from the other, that is a means of trying to control. It could be money, sex, the TV. It does not matter.

Sadly, we humans are fallen creatures. None are perfect. Therefore, whatever we create falls short of perfection. This can be seen in marriage. In a perfect world, both spouses would be on the same page. However, that is rarely the case. That goes back not relinquishing individualism. Putting oneself in first place before the marriage is a recipe for disaster. In different areas of a marriage, one spouse gives authority to the other; while that spouse will have authority in other areas. Many times one is independent and the other is dependent.

In terms of sex, this leads to frustration and resentment. The spouse with looser boundaries will start having to change to mold to the spouse with rigid boundaries. Therefore, having control over one's body invariably means having control of one's spouse's body too. If both spouses are ok with this arrangement, then more power to them. It seems that is not really how things in the real world operate. The rigid spouse feels pressure to loosen boundaries. The more lax spouse feels confined. Both end up resenting the other for the pressures placed on them.

That is the problem. What's the solution? I do not know. In the end successful marriages are full of compromise. A marriage based on one spouse having all of the control usually fails. It believe that one should sacrifice for one's love. That comes in many different forms. Although I have been concentrating on sex, sacrifice can be other ways. One spouse may work harder, so the other can stay home with kids; one spouse may give way on certain TV programs because he/she knows their spouse enjoys that program; or one spouse may have to go on search and destroy missions to rid the house of spiders.

Sex is different because it involves physical intimacy. That is what makes it so beautiful. When one has sex, it is surrendering to another. That's why it is the glue to that holds together marriages. That's why it has room for so much anger and resentment. Withholding sex means that one has not totally surrendered the self to the other person. That is what makes it a sin to withhold sex. By withholding sex, that person elevates their needs over their spouse's. How can love coexist with selfishness?

Does that mean one has to be a doormat for the one they love? No. What it means is that sometimes it's ok to watch football (or Desperate Housewives). Sometimes it's ok to give that backrub, although one had a long day and is need of sleep. Sometimes it's ok to engage in oral sex. When we love another, we should strive to put that person's needs before our own. If love is reciprocated, then being a doormat never comes up.

Or...I could be living in a fantasy world.

Continued

2009-02-04T06:06:00.000-08:00

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (New International Version)

When reading this passage, it seems that the Apostle Paul was talking about expectations for sex in marriage. Neither the husband nor the wife has complete control in their body. In today's world that flies in the face of what we are taught.

Since I am male, I will speak from a purely male perspective. Men are taught that the woman has final say in sex. If a woman is not up to it, does not want to do certain acts, or whatever, then the man has to respect her wishes. Before anyone goes onto a rant about rape and certain kinks, in other writings Paul instructs the husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church. I am not talking about that kind of stuff. I am talking about control. Who is in control? Does the man get a vote? How far can things be pushed?

In reading the letter from Paul, sex is confined to marriage only. Sex is a way of strengthening the bonds of marriage and way to keep sexual immorality from creeping into the marriage. Despite what some faiths or denominations teach, Paul says that sex is not just about procreation but about bonding through recreation. Sex is fun. What does that mean about someone that is a killjoy? The fun disappears. It becomes another chore, like taking out the garbage.

Not in the Mood

2009-01-26T08:38:00.000-08:00

1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

That passage is the Apostle Paul telling the folks in Corinth that married couples should be getting it on. It even talks about the husband owning the wife's body, and the wife owning the husband's body. What does that mean? Is a wife supposed to submit control over to her husband? Husband to wife? Control still keeps cropping up. In today's post, boys and girls, I am setting that aside. You see, I am not in the mood.

I have chronicled Sybil's and my interactions fairly faithfully up until recently. I stopped, because I saw it as a form of complaining and inaction. Just because I have lessened my posting on Sybil does not mean things have really improved.

It seems that I am not in the mood...to have sex with my wife. At this moment in time, if I had choose between sex with Sybil and reading an interesting book, I'd choose the book. We have not had sex in over 2 weeks. Now, that may not be a long time for some, but that is a long time for us. The stress of marriage and the stress of work seemed to have sapped my desire away.

The decrease is almost scary. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be going through this. Maybe raw oysters are needed?

Developing...

Control Continued...

2009-01-08T05:32:00.000-08:00

I've just gotten around to trying to catch up on everyone's blogs. I just read Digger's latest post. He tends to be a very introspective person and is struggling to obtain more sex. He wrote:

Sexual leftovers is what every couple has when it comes to sex. Each person makes a list of what is too disgusting and perverted and then the other person makes their list and then you agree on the leftovers. That’s what you call compromise, right? But that leads to sexual boredom which leads to tension and eventual gridlock. At some point, the anxiety comes to a head and then has to be dealt with.

I'll be posting on this thought soon. It is very enlightening and ties in with my last post.

Control

2009-01-07T05:50:00.000-08:00

How many of us yearn for control? How many need that illusion of being in control of one's life, or at least certain aspects?

Too many times people try to maintain control of situations, themselves, others. There are different ways of exerting control. No matter the method the result is the same: maintaining that illusion.

The reality is this: no one has control. Period. I may get diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die in a few months. I may have a terrible car accident and be permanently maimed. Any one of a million things could happen. In a blink of an eye that illusion is shattered.

I am thinking about this because of a conversation Sybil and I had last night. Last night was her regular, monthly Bonko get together. For those that don't know Bonko is the excuse women use to get together, drink, eat, and talk about their family. Oh, there may some kind of game of chance involved. I digress. Her Bonko group has been undergoing some changes, so there is less game playing and more drinking and having a good time. I do not have a problem with that. I think time away with personal pursuits is important in a marriage. No, the irony is this new direction. Next month they are going to have a bowling night. The month after that will be sex toy night. Now, I am a normal man. The thought of my wife attending a sex toy night made my "juices flow." However, after a moment's thought, I realized this will be leading to nothing.

Sybil loves control. She stated that she is frustrated in her life because she does not have enough control. There is no better example of Sybil's need to control than sex. She will be the first to admit she loves sex. She would want it nearly everyday. However, the sex must be within her boundaries. Going outside of those boundaries is surrendering her control and cannot be allowed.

This brings up some interesting confusion. Sybil wants to be controlled during sex. She has some submissive qualities about her during sex. However, she has a narrow list of things that can be done. This creates the illusion of being out of control while still being in control. It can be confusing. Are you with me so far? This is confusing because she wants to be in control while being controlled.

One of the glaring examples is initiation of sex. I have to be the one to initiate. If I do not and Sybil is in the mood, I am made to feel like I don't want her. She rarely initiates (9 out of 10 times I initiate). When I do initiate it, the same thing happens every single time: she lays back and goes along for the ride. I have no doubt she really enjoys it and really is having a good time. Sadly, sex has become another chore for me to do around the house.

Finally, the total irony of this sex toy night is it will do nothing for our bedroom antics. Sybil had received a couple of small sex toys as part of a white elephant gift about 3 Christmases ago at this Bonko gathering. She laughed about it. When I brought up trying some of the stuff (personal lubricant, hand held massager, edible panties), she just laughed, rolled her eyes and put the stuff away in the closet. Never to be seen again. Using some of this stuff might mean Sybil had to relinquish some control.

Surviving

2008-12-29T06:09:00.000-08:00

We survived Christmas. The kids didn't get a lot this year, but they already have everything. It was kind of low key. I hope all of you out in blog land had a good Christmas.

I'm still thinking about what direction this blog should go. I think the theme of me vs. Sybil is finished. Sybil and I still have our blow-ups. I guess every couple does. The drama is at a lower pitch, however.

I'm thinking about sex. I do not want to make this into a sex blog, but I do want to explore Sybil's and my differences. You, gentle reader, get to be bored with tears over the next few posts. I'm not sure where this will lead.

New Directions

2008-12-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

I've been remiss in posting these last few months. I'd like to say that the drama betwixt Sybil and myself has abated. I can say it. It wouldn't be true. But, I can say it. To our credit, it has decreased. The tone and vitriol has decrease, somewhat. That's not the reason for my absence. Nope. I'll give some lame excuses: kids keeping me too busy (very true 3 kids with all of the activities); work has snowballed (things have slowed down quite a bit as far as income, so I've got find new ways of generating income); etc.

All true. The real reason is that I'm needing to find a way to be more positive. I'm not this negative person that seems to come across in my writings. At least I don't think I am. All this blog seems to portray is my struggle with maintaining my marital bliss.

I doubt that I will totally stop posting about all of the drama. I mean everyone looks at a car wreck. I am going to try and post on more general topics and more philosophical topics regarding relationships. I'm not sure where that will take me. I will say that my thoughts and feelings on that subject have changed quite a bit over the years.

This blog has served its purpose of giving me an outlet to "vent my spleen." It is time to putting words into action.

I hope everyone has a truly Merry Christmas and a truly Happy New Year. I'm not sure, if I'll be able to post again until '09.

- Aphron

Since the Election is Over I Miss Those Polls...

2008-11-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

There are times I don't feel like writing a post about something that has happened because it's already been written. In my last post, someone commented on my lack of taking control of the situation. For the next two weeks, I'll be running this poll to gauge my reader's opinions. So remember in the immortal words of ACORN: Vote early and vote often.

On That Road to Hell

2008-10-20T03:31:00.000-07:00

Sybil and I had another major blow-up this weekend. We had little tiffs all last week, but Saturday's was a doozy.

We had gotten one of those Pitney-Bowes mailing machines. Since we do quite a bit of mailings, we thought we could give it a try. Sybil spent a good amount of time on Friday setting it up. She had to call the PB people. However, she managed to get the thing up and running.

On Saturday, I was at the office finishing up on some tasks. I looked at the back of the machine, noticed a USB cable had one end connected to the PB, but the other end was unconnected. I unrolled it and was going to connect it to a computer. It was too short, so I couldn't connect it.

As I'm driving home, I call Sybil and ask her if we need to buy a longer cable. She gets extremely agitated. Suddenly, we're on. We spend the rest of the day fighting. If I am understanding her correctly, my action reveals how thoughtless I am. I should have remembered that she said the machine was working, I should not have tampered with someone's "project," and obviously I do not really care about anything she says or does. I find myself feeling completely blindsided. All I can say is, "I was trying to help; I didn't mean any harm." Pretty pathetic, but it is the truth. As the argument continues, I explain that I am who I am. I am not sure that I am able to make the changes she wants. If she can't live with that, then maybe she should make a change. Sybil takes of her ring, threw in my direction, and storms out of the room.

That is how things went Saturday, and they were no better Sunday. Sybil still did not wear her ring. I tried to have her put it on. She refused. She said my last comment tells her how I really feel. If I did not really feel that way, then I would not have even thought it much less said it. I try to explain that it came out during the heat of the moment. Sybil would not even entertain that possibility.

Essentially, we are reliving the same old argument over and over. Sybil needs me to worry over the little things. She wants to me to stress out about every little detail and worry about how that impacts the other person. I explain to her that I am not sure that is even possible. I explain to her that living like that does not sound very enjoyable. Explaining to Sybil that I want us to enjoy each other's company and build a refuge from the world. She asks how can we do that, when I won't work at our marriage. She wants me to worry about our marriage. I get the work at our marriage thing. I do feel that I am trying to do that, apparently not enough for Sybil. I'm not so sure about the worry about our marriage. Living with worry, walking on eggshells, being on constant guard is not a life, in my opinion. When I express that to Sybil, she says she is not asking me to do that; she is asking me to think about how every single, little action has large repercussions. I guess there is a difference, but I'm not sure what it is.

That is where we are. Over 36 hours of fighting has not resolved the issues. Sybil still does not wearing her ring. To think that it all started with good intentions.

Same Stuff Different Day

2008-10-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

Did anyone see this article awhile back? Does anyone do that? What happens when one partner is trying to add a "little spice," and the other is perfectly happy with status quo? I'd really like to know, who these people are. I'm not sure they really exist.

There was a time, when I tried to add a little zest in things. The great thing about beating one's head against a wall is that it feels good, when one stops. Things are so much easier now that I have had to mold my desires more in line with Sybil's. I figured that there are so many other things we stress out about that adding one more pressure point isn't healthy. I guess one could say I gave up.

Isn't that the point of a happy, healthy marriage? One has give up one's desires and expectations in order to align themselves with their partner's. Some may call that compromise or selling out. I call it conflict resolution. I've resolved one area of conflict in Sybil's and my marriage. By doing so, we can move on to all the other petty fights we have. I am hoping to eventually remove any and all issues which may precipitate a fight. Since I have no control over Sybil and her reactions, this will prove to be very difficult.

One example is retirement. I long to retire. I don't mean to stop working but to stop HAVING to work. I want to investigate other avenues of wealth accumulation other than a typical IRA/mutual fund (I was wanting to do this before all of the current unpleasantness). My career is very stressful. Dealing with people and trying to meet their expectations is very difficult. On a day-to-day basis it becomes a drag. Well, Sybil said to me this weekend that she doesn't foresee me ever retiring and the thought of being in that position is not something she really thinks about. She loves to work. However, she likes to do things, but she does not like to make hard decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She may be working hard in our business, but she does not have to deal with people and their expectations, hire/fire, etc. She comes and goes on her schedule. I can see why she does not want to retire.

What's the answer? I don't have one. I just know that I try to keep plodding along. I keep reminding myself that in the scheme of things it doesn't really matter. We're all going to die anyway. Kind of a "consider the lilies in the field" thing.

I'm a Jerk

2008-09-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I apologize for my lack of posting. I've been extremely busy putting out fires at work. Also, Sybil and I have been too focused on work to really get into it. That ended last night.

I've written in these pages bemoaning the "vanilla" sex we have. I try to look on the positive side of things. At least I'm having sex. I've come to the realization that Sybil and I will never have the same proclivities, shall we say? Like everything else in her life, Sybil wants sex to be ordered, and she wants sex to be on her terms only. After fifteen years of marriage, I decided that certain things will always be off limits and to keep trying only adds to my and Sybil's frustration. I gave up on trying and made myself focus only enjoying what I was able to do in those narrow confines.

Before I get into the matter of last night, let me say that I am not asking for anything crazy. I'm only asking for certain things of an oral variety. Both giving and receiving. I'm only asking for her to have a more active role in things. Basically, our sex life goes like this: I make my move (either kissing or touching or both), she lies back in expectation, I take off her clothes, I take of my clothes, and then we go at it. This is how it goes 85% of the time. To "spice" things up, she may go to her fall back position, if I let it be known that's how I want it. Essentially, Sybil might be classified as a "sub." Ironically, she wants to be in complete control of the situation. The dichotomy is really confusing.

Anyway, last night we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Sybil had her head on my stomach and was touching me while we watched TV. I was touching her too, but because of the angle she was a bit more intimate. I was really enjoying this. It is rare for her to do this. I was greedy for it. At one point she decided to become a bit more playful and tried to move her head to block my view of the TV. I playfully moved her head down. She jumped out of bed feigning indignation. After a minute or two, she got back in bed with her back to me. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I kind of became pissed off. When Sybil got back into bed, she had her foot on me. Apparently, this was my signal to begin. I should have known that she was only playing. During all of this, I knew Sybil wanted me to take over, yet why do I have to do all of the work all of the time? She started the session, but I have to finish it. I did not make move towards her. Since she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for, she became pissed off herself. A small argument ensued, and I am a jerk.

Now that I've had time to reflect on things, I see that I did probably act a little childishly. It would have been nice, if she would have just kissed me or whatever. I would have probably taken over from there. Her reaction of jumping out bed and acting like that put me off. When she did that, it killed the mood for me. I guess I had an idea of how things would go. When things didn't go that way, I got mad. Of course, I could say that about Sybil. She thought by acting "hard to get" I would become even more excited. In this case it backfired for her. I see that I may have acted selfishly, but Sybil does think she did anything wrong. This dichotomy is killing me. Either take control of the situation and do things the way one wants it done, or one should let the partner be control. Don't try to be a submissive control freak. It is kind of schizophrenic.

Update

2008-09-03T03:26:00.001-07:00

Things are actually going pretty good. Sybil and I have started a diet and lost some weight. We have really cut back on our carbs. Not only have we lost weight, but also our attitude towards each other has improved. I don't know if the food we were eating had anything to do with it, or we started feeling better. Either way, it's nice. Although sex is still rather vanilla, we're having more of it. I can't speak for Sybil, but I guess my outlook has improved. None of the dirty laundry has gone away. We never solved our issues, so I'm guessing it was all a state of mind. No big surprise.

We've been so busy with work. School has started for our kids and our kids' activities have increased. That leaves little time for things like blogging. Son #1 has started the high school. It seems weird that I have a child old enough to be in high school. Daughter started middle school. However, it's Son #2 that keeps us on the go. He has started playing in a local competitive soccer league. That will entail some slight travel. There goes our weekends.

With this (hopefully not temporary) change, it's made be believe things were in a vicious cycle. Sybil would resent me for stuff which caused her to treat me a certain way. In turn, I would resent Sybil for stuff which caused me to treat her a certain way.

That's about it for now. I don't have a lot of personal drama at the moment. That's a good thing. I've never understood those that go out searching for drama.

Been busy...Sorry...We were making these commercials:

2008-08-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'll be posting more later. WE'RE FAMOUS!

Aphron

Mending Fences

2008-07-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

Things have come to a head with Sybil. We had a major blow-up Thursday, and the after shocks are still occurring. There's nothing like being locked in a metal box for 3 hours to provide for some hi jinks.

As you know we had recently visited my parents. The main reason of the visit wasn't seeing my parents (we're not a tight knit family; that's for a later post). Instead, it was to visit one my best friends from high school. He had come home for a visit between duty stations and had just been promoted to sargent-major. In his field, he is a success. It was a great visit. On the way home, Sybil and I were talking about it, and she asked what he made. I had no idea, but I figured he did well. Later that week I ran into someone knowledgeable about such things and asked him.

Last Thursday we were on the road again to meet up with my parents to get our kids. Not thirty minutes into the ride, I tell Sybil what I had found out. Apparently, I had talked quite a bit about my friend and the military. Sybil asked me, if I ever thought about joining the military. I said that not really, but I do have those fleeting "what if" thoughts in my head. No big deal. In previous conversations I had told her that I almost joined the Army right out of high school. Anyway, Sybil freaked out. She started questioning my love for her, the kids, whether I was going to run off and join (which is impossible: I'm almost 40), etc. I tried reassuring her that my talking about it was my happiness for my friend and his success. She thought I was jealous of him, and I wished my life was different. I explained that I had my chance, I don't regret my decision, I love my life, I have no intention of making some radical change, etc. She didn't believe that was what my intentions were.

Apparently, she added the words "recently" to the question "do you ever think about joining?" I missed the recently part. When that was explained to me, I told her that I misheard her, and no, I do not wish I had joined the military. I admit to being guilty of not listening to every word she said. Obviously, I missed that one word. When taking that and my complaining of the stress of my job, she just knew I was unhappy, wanted to leave her and the kids, and join up. Nothing I said could change her mind. I tried to explain that EVERYONE complains about their job/career at some point. Nothing would assure her. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

Now, Sybil feels unloved. She feels that I don't love her anymore. She thinks I am staying with her simply for the sake of the kids, or divorce is too expensive for us. She does not believe that I really care about her. The main reason isn't Thursday's blow-up but the aftermath. Whenever we have a blow-up, I'm supposed to broach the subject to her the next day. Since 99% of the time she is mad at me, she expects me to come up to her and bring up the subject. Never mind that we had an hours long argument the day before. If I truly loved her, I would be the one to confront her about it.

I have a problem with that for three reasons:

1. I DO have a problem with confrontation. I have this perverse desire for everyone to like me. I'm the Nice Guy. I don't waves or drama. I want a simple discussion with a simple resolution. After the discussion I want that to filed away into the Past.

2. I'm not the one that "owns" the problem. If I am mad at someone, I am supposed to confront that person. It sounds silly to me. If someone doesn't come to me with a problem, I'm not going to work on fixing the problem. I maybe looking at things wrong, but it almost sounds as if Sybil wants her pound flesh too.

3. With Sybil, there is no simple discussion. I've done the broaching the next day once or twice. It did not change the results of the argument. Re-hashing it does not lead to some greater understanding or an epiphany.

I do not want a divorce. I know all anyone reads here is Sybil's bad side. She is actually a wonderful person. Like anyone else, it's difficult to live with her. Sadly, I have to mend fences with her. I know what she wants; I'm not sure I can make the changes she wants/needs.

Ketchup...er...Catch Up

2008-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Sybil and I survived our trip to my folks. We had two spots of drama. One was medium sized and the other small. Neither involved me, directly. Really not a bad trip. For now, Sybil and I are in a good place. I know that won't last long, but I'll enjoy it while I can. This drama centered on my brother's kids. It's complicated. He married, had a kid, divorced, remarried, and now has a combined family. The new daughter seems to get preferential treatment. Sybil expected me to make a comment to my parents about the situation. Not sure how to approach that.

Yesterday, I did read some blog entries. One of the running themes is about sexual mores. One partner (usually the wife but not always) has limitations of what is allowed. Boundaries are set and rarely moved. Others posted about marital sadism: how people in a relationship know what the other wants but refuses to do it.

For my own part, Sybil and I have those problems. She knows what I want but rarely acquiesces. She has two excuses: it's disgusting or she'll be taken for granted. Let's dive into that, shall we?

The first response is disgust. This revolves around certain sex acts, namely oral sex performed on her. Sybil knows one of my biggest things (if not the biggest) is to perform on her. She knows that it is very exciting for me. I've told her how much I enjoy it. In those rare instances that she allows it, she will admit to enjoying it. She explains that she has problems with the hygienic aspect of it. Despite my best efforts to reassure that she has nothing to worry about, Sybil continues to believe that she has something to worry about. I think this would be an example of marital sadism. Sybil knows I like doing this to her; she likes having it done; but she cannot get past the irrational aspect of it. Obviously, if the tables were reversed, I think she would be put out.

The next issue that comes up between is Sybil perform oral sex on me. I am a typical guy in this department. I enjoy receiving oral sex. I'm not sure which I enjoy more. Occasionally, Sybil will perform on me. I enjoy it; she indicates that she enjoys it; yet she rarely does it. When asked, her excuse is I'll come to expect it. I'm sure she believes that. I'm not sure why. Sybil hasn't done it enough for me to take it for granted. If I were receiving her services more than once a quarter, I might be able to make a more accurate judgment. Although this example qualifies as marital sadism, I think it goes more towards control. Sybil wants to have a of control of me.

Sex with Sybil is fairly boring. I make my move; she lays on her back; and that's that. Before anyone says anything about communication, I've been there and done that. These are Sybil's boundaries and nothing I say or do will move them. She has a dichotomy: she wants someone to take control, yet will not allow them to be in control. Cake and eat it too.

Sadly, I think this a common problem in marriages. In my case, I've chosen to quit fighting the current. Dialing down my libido helps some. Mainly I've vastly decreased my expectations. Unlike many people, I can have sex just about anytime. I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Out of Town

2008-07-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

Sybil and I will be going to visit my parents this weekend. It always leads to fun and frivolity. Usually a visit like this is good for at least two maybe three posts. I'll be back soon...

Without Further Ado...

2008-07-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

I finally have some time to work on my "vacation" post.

Every year at the end of June, the family embarks on its big trip. We visit Sybil's family in a big city in a large state. It is a big to do. Sybil and the kids go for one week, and I join them for another week. Being alone for a week would be heaven, if not for the fact that Sybil and I have cell phones. Anyway, being at Sybil's house means there has to be a certain decorum.

For some background, Sybil is from a large Asian city. She came to the states when she was seven. When we visit her folks, I have to act slightly differently. This usually leads to Sybil's wrath and an ensuing "discussion." Sybil is keenly aware of what people say and do, especially yours truly. This is intensified with her family. She is afraid of embarrassment and causing her folks to feel that journeying to visit is hassle. Of course, it is a hassle. However, I don't mind.

This past trip I did two things that really pissed Sybil off. I accept responsibility for my actions. The things I did would have irritated me too. They were unthinking acts.

The first act occurred at a large mall. All five of us, one of her brothers, and our niece (8) and nephew (4) were with us. We spent several hours there. It was time to eat, and we were trying to decide what to eat. There is a Cheesecake Factory there. The kids and I love cheesecake, and we don't have one here. I thought that would be a nice place to go. Sybil decided that would be too much for the kids. Apparently, she and her brother decided to just eat in the food court. Whatever. I was disappointed but whatever. I asked Sybil what she wanted. At first, she said pizza. I knew that was wrong. Sybil doesn't like pizza. I asked again, and she said she doesn't care. I asked a third time, and she told me to "just walk around and see what's available and call me." She was going to sit with the younger kids whilst I got the food. It was starting to become a hassle, because no one wanted to go to the same place. Finally, I told my kids to go to this chicken franchise. I procured the food and brought it back to the table. I totally forgot to walk around and call Sybil. Needless to say, she was not happy. I asked what she wanted. She didn't know. I offered to walk around, and she said forget it. Son #2 didn't finish his food, so she ate that. I got an earful. At first I stated that all she had to do was look around. That I didn't need to "walk around and call her." Naturally, this means that I only care about myself. After all, I had food.

The other big blow-up occurred later that week. The kids and I waited for Sybil and her sister to return for shopping, so we could all go out for dinner. When she arrived, the first thing she did was loudly say, "Hurry up and get your shoes and socks on, so we can go." I replied, "Alright, alright. Chill out." This crawled all over Sybil. She told me to lighten up. She was only joking. I replied that I was too. I explained that the harshness of her tone, when she walked into the house, caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to be rude or cause a scene. See, it wasn't what I said or how I said it; it was only about causing a scene. This would make her parents feel uncomfortable and ask us not to come back, because it's too big of a hassle. Um...ok. Maybe what I said was a little rude, but I doubt her parents would think we were fighting because we were there. Sybil and I just fight.

Sadly, these two incidents cast a pall over the visit. Sybil harbored resentment towards me. There was no great vacation sex. But, there never is with Sybil (see post about Las Vegas). Other than seeing an MLB game, it was kind of calm. Sybil went shopping a lot with her sister, which kept her out of my hair.

You're probably wishing I posted another video.

Just a Little Something to Tide You Over...

2008-07-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Just a little something to extend my misogynistic leanings. I heard this song and chuckled. I don't really think it is about Sybil...much. I hope to accomplish two things: my first video embedding and putting off my visit-to-the-in-laws post.

Enjoy,
Aphron

I'm Back!

2008-07-07T05:22:00.000-07:00

Just survived a week long trip to the in-laws. I've been out of pocket for a little while. I'll be brief. I had fun.

Sybil's attitude remains the same. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't help things much. I'll post about in a couple of days. See, it's not all Sybil's fault.

Also, thanks to Therese for filling in on Friday. Since I had to catch a plane, she was graciously filled in. The "Great Blogger Swap" really came at the perfect time.

Great Blogger Swap 2008: Therese in Heaven

2008-06-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

When I signed up for the Great Blogger Swap of 2008, I thought it would be easy enough to participate in. I write posts all the time, after all. But then I thought that maybe writing about potty training, sex at parties, and vomit wouldn't be quite seemly on someone else's blog, so figured I should probably shape up a bit. Not an easy thing to do since I'm currently pre-occupied by my dissertation on prairie dog mating rituals.

So as I sit here eating a bowl of oatmeal, trying to ignore my annoying pet marsupial, Maxine, what I keep thinking about is just how unbelievably difficult it is to be a good Christian. Scratch that. A good person. Now, I know that the definition of a good person is widely up for debate, however I can't help but wonder if anyone lives up to their own definition. Somebody wise and holy (I can't for the life of me remember who) said something along the lines of: the proof that we didn't just make God up is in the fact that we assign to Him attributes like "All-powerful," "Supreme Judge," and "Knower of all things deep and private in our hearts, including those embarrassing thoughts about Eva Mendez." Why would we make up a God like that? Why would we invent a "Father Figure" who gives out a seemingly endless supply of "tough love" when we could have a grand-father figure, who gives us ice cream for breakfast and lets us stay up late, just because we ask that it be so? No, the God of the Judeo-Christian world is too terribly awesome for our infantile imaginations to dream up. We happen to like our ice cream.

I think that the reason we have so many notions about how we should be, how others should treat us, how we should act, when we know very well that neither ourselves nor anyone else will actually end up behaving that way, is because someone else, far better than any of us, wrote it somewhere inside our hearts that there is something more. Something better. We have a noble purpose in someone else's plan. This intuitive sense gets quite inconvenient when we very badly want to do something very attractive and selfish (like sleep with the pool boy or, what the heck, Eva Mendez), but its still there. That's why a person who fudges on his time card still feels wronged when the plumber tries to squeeze out more money than agreed on for additional "parts" and "labor." We know justice even when we don't live it.

So what is a person to do when we all have these internal standards that no matter what, we (and no one else in history) just can't seem to live up to? I think the writers Zmirak and Matychowiak* summed it up best when they said, "Believe it all, do what you can, admit that you're basically a bastard, and turn to the font of infinite Mercy** as humbly and as often as you can. If there's one thing that's incompatible with Christianity, it's pride, or what today would call 'healthy self-esteem' and a 'clear conscience.'" And on that note, I shall close my post and prepare to ask God for forgiveness. I need it too. I am just a bastard, after all.

Oh, and thank you, Aphron, for your hospitality.

*No, I didn't make them up, but I bet you can't say their names quickly five times.

**For you Catholics, that's time in the box.

Being Outed

2008-06-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

In my last post, which the issue was never resolved, Silent Male presented an interesting comment. He highlighted the ramifications, if I were outed. What if Sybil found the blog and read the posts and comments? What ramifications would that bring on?

Well, dear reader, I'm sure you already know what would happen. Given Sybil's temperament, I'm sure not good things would happen. She has already run divorce up the flag pole to see what would happen. The first couple of times, I was shocked into submission. Since I'm a slow learner, I finally figured out that was a form of emotional manipulation at best. Actually, one night she commented, "I guess we should call the lawyers." To which I replied, "Tomorrow would be fine." Naturally, she became upset and accused me of giving up on our marriage. The irony was totally lost on her. Anyway, I'm sure she would begin the procedures of divorce. For me divorce is, simply, not an option. I've listed the reasons somewhere on this blog, but the there are three basic reasons: my three children.

I am left with trying to conceal my blogging. I know that to be completely open and honest with Sybil would bring on Armageddon. I use Mozilla's Firefox because it automatically deletes my browsing history. No one that I know personally knows about my blog. I am as careful as I can be. I do not talk about my work or any other personal events to try to remain anonymous. It is sad in a way.

When I started this blog, it was a to vent the frustrations of my marriage without really causing any long term problems. I had hoped to receive some validation, and I have. Although this blog does not show the whole story of Sybil, I do try to remain objective about she how treats me at times. I am human, and I am sure some bias does creep in. There are some posts that written during a relatively emotional moment.

Although this blog was started as a way of finding vindication, I believe it may be documenting my life with Sybil. I pray it doesn't, but it may have to be used in the event of divorce. Denial is a powerful thing, but I am being to see that I am living with an emotionally abusive person.

I'm a Little Tired

2008-06-20T05:43:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was quite eventful, especially the fireworks at the end.

Since I had the day off, Sybil, Son#1 (14), Son #2 (9), and I went to the office and did some work until Sybil and Son #1's orthodontist appointment. Lunch was put off until after 1:30 due to the appointment. We'd already had a full day of fun with Sybil.

We're sitting at lunch, when the topic of David Bowie comes up. Son #1 plays Guitar Hero (or was it Rock Band?), and a factoid came up saying that once David Bowie was hit in the eye with a lollipop at a concert. I said that must explain why one of his pupils being bigger than the other. Sybil begins questioning about it. Finally, I say that it was assumption and not a fact. To which she snaps, "I guess it wasn't the TRUTH!" Practically spitting out the last word. I ask her why she snapped at me. Naturally, she says she didn't. This time I had witnesses. Son #1 got my back and told her that she did. Immediately, Sybil became defensive and denied it. I explained that she had indeed snapped at me. After the third denial, I simply said, "Whatever," and stopped talking. I figure what's the point? She'll never admit to the possibility that she has a sharp tongue.

Flash forward to last night. Just about the time we're going to bed, Sybil starts in. Didn't I know she was mad? No. If one is mad, I shouldn't have to figure it out. She is mad because I stopped talking. I explained my reasoning. She starts yelling at me. By this time she is completely unhinged. She is yelling so much that she is actually spitting on me. The gist is my stopping the conversation during lunch. I try to explain that I didn't want to talk anymore, because she was in denial about the possibility about her demeanor. Sybil continues to deny ever snapping at me. Of course, this isn't a calm, adult conversation. She is continually yelling at me. Finally, she yells, "Why don't you sleep on the couch!?" I, of course, say no. Sybil continues her tirade. Finally, I decided that the couch is preferable to this abuse, so I go sleep on the couch. I cede the field to her.

I'm a little tired. The couch is just a little shorter than me. It was worth not listening to her.

Update...

More discussion with Sybil yields why she was upset. It would appear that she was giving all kinds of signals all day yesterday, and I was supposed to note the signals, go to her, and ascertain the problem. Since I did not approach her and ask what was the matter, she became angry and felt ignored. We had about 30 minutes of alone time, and that was right before going to bed. Also, we never completed our conversation about David Bowie. As to the issue of her demeanor towards me, Sybil is in complete denial that she did anything wrong.

Aniversary After-Action Report

2008-06-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the big 15 came and went. I know everyone wants all of the play-by-play of the night's festivities. Let me tell you, it was a night I'll never forget. We were up until the wee hours of the morning. I'm totally exhausted as I write this post.

We got started a bit late. We dropped the kids off at home and set out for a local sushi restaurant. Just the two of us. That by itself is a real treat. We sat there just enjoying ourselves. Of course, a large part of the time Sybil was on her cell phone trying to coordinate Daughter and one of her friends trip to camp today. I knew this night would be something special. After the restaurant, we went back to my office and did paperwork until 12:30 am. That's it. That's the anniversary. Granted this was stuff that had to be done, but it could have been done yesterday. However, Sybil was out of the office pretty much the whole day running the kids to their over-scheduled activities. Anyway, by the time we got home I was so tired I went to bed.

On related note, I've discovered why my libido is low.

A Milestone

2008-06-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Fifteen years ago today, Sybil and I got married. It was a bit of a rushed ceremony at the justice o' the peace in the southern city we were living. Rushed because Sybil was about 3 months pregnant. What a shocker! We were in grad school, no income, dated hot and heavy (I do mean heavy) for about 6 months. It took me a long time to grow into fatherhood. Suddenly being thrust into that role was disconcerting.

I guess we are beating the odds. I don't think many would have lasted that long with the world arrayed against us. I guess that is something to celebrate. Being married has been very difficult for both of us. Looking back, I regret not putting off sex and concentrating more on building a foundation. However, I don't think that would have done any good. Sybil never acting the way she does now. She never seemed so controlling, so easily angered. During that time, we never really had an argument. That should have been a red flag.

Although there many things about my marriage that make me unhappy, I appreciate the miracle. We have to learn to accept those around us as they are and not how we want them to be. It is very difficult. We find ourselves saying, "If only she did this or didn't do that..." It is human nature to want more, but it is also dangerous.

At the end of the day, I love Sybil. I won't lie and say there weren't times I wish we weren't married, but I do not believe I could picture myself with another.

We'll see about the next 15 years.

What's Marriage's Purpose?

2008-05-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

I keep having that question roll around in my head? What IS marriage's purpose? Is it so two people can pull together? Is it for producing offspring? Why does a man and a wife live together...forever?

If marriage is for the "simple" creation of offspring, then can marriage be dissolved after said offspring are grown? I know many marriages that do that. When the kids are either in mid-teens or adults, the marriage breaks apart. With many years invested in it, everyone on the outside are left scratching their heads and wondering. Many times these marriages are twenty years old or older. So much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears are poured into that doomed marriage. Do couples that have grown children stay together simply for none other than that reason?

It is interesting to see marriage dynamics from the outside and inside. It seems that one person, in my case Sybil, changes after becoming married. That person goes from being this laid back carefree person to this control freak that gets totally bent out of shape over every little thing. Is that the goal of marriage: control? Trying to mold another person to fit our conception of perfection? Seems to me that is the sure recipe for failure. No one likes to be controlled.

Is marriage some destination? Plodding forward to some imaginary Nirvana? During the whole journey being overly worried about how the toilet paper is placed on the rack? Isn't patience and acceptance supposed to be in their somewhere? I thought marriage was a journey two people took together. For me the journey should be fun and exciting. Going ballistic because of a wrong turn takes the fun out of the journey. Worrying about following the directions and making mistakes tends to make one miss the scenery along the route.

Help me out here. I'd really like to know.

Taking a Break...

2008-05-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

from marriage blogging. Since it is that wacky election season, I've chosen my candidate:

SO WRONG!!!

2008-05-16T14:57:00.001-07:00

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

A Whole Month?!?!

2008-05-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been a terrible host here. I've neglected my readers and not kept them up to date with all of my goings on. To be brief, I'm working about 16 hours a day, Sybil and I fight like cats and dogs, and my kids' activities are adding the miles to the cars. Since I have about 30 minutes of free time, I find that I have to push my blogging to the side.

I'm still alive...barely.

Otherwise, everything is just peachy.

Hopefully, I'll be posting more. Hopefully, my workload and personal activities will die down soon. Hopefully, my libido will return.

Follow-up Post...Finally

2008-04-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

It's interesting to see the dominant/passive roles in play. Each relationship has them. I think it boils down to how much drama, fighting, assertiveness, or whatever one is willing to put up with. I don't like drama. I don't like the emotional play of arguments. Therefore, I find myself avoiding the whole thing. I find myself giving in to end the fight. Doesn't matter, if I am wrong. I just want it to be over. After almost 15 years of marriage, suddenly becoming assertive might have unintended consequences. While I am not afraid of those consequences per se, I do want to try to maintain some status quo until the kids leave home.

An example of this came about last night. We had just bought "Rock Band" for PS2. By the way, it is truly a fun game. Anyway, it needs at least 3 USB connections, but PS2 only has 2. Real smart, huh? I grab my USB hub from my laptop and plug in the connections. Son #1 (14 years old) did most of the connecting and setting up. He had some help from Daughter (11 years old) and Son#2 (9 years old). All 5 of us played it that night. Last night, Sybil had 3 girls spend the night with Daughter. They wanted to play the game. Sybil called be because she didn't know how to get it up and running. She figured it out, and they played. I am leaving work and picking up pizza for the sleepover. As I am coming home, Sybil calls me quite irate. It seems these rambunctious girls somehow yanked on the chords and destroyed the hub. Now, the funny things is this: it was my fault. I'm the one that plugged in the hub the night before. It doesn't matter that I wasn't even home when it got destroyed. It doesn't matter that Sybil thought the arrangement of the chords might be a problem and something should be done about it. It only matters because I was the one handling the hub. So I came home to Sybil yelling at me. I could have had a knock-down-drag-out-fight with Sybil about whose fault it is, but I caved. Why? I did not want a huge conflagration during the sleep over. The end result was I went out to Staples and bought another hub. Just now I think I understand why Sybil was so angry: she wanted to play the game and couldn't. After installing a new hub, she could not stop playing.

This is the typical scenario in my house. Sybil concentrates on finding fault, instead of chalking it up to stuff happens and fixing it. Something happened; someone's head must roll. Since I do tend to avoid the icky emotional stuff, I struggle to confront issues. Sybil has no qualms about this, so she tends to win.

More coming...

The 300: A Gay Ol Time

2008-03-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

I know I owe you all a post. It is coming. Right now work and family stuff is kicking me in the #$@.

I finally saw 300. The story about the Spartan 300 holding off the Persians (the most powerful people of the day). I didn't realize everyone was a homosexual in those days. With the exception of the traitor Spartan, nearly all of the men were buff and liked to embrace in their loin cloths. Other than that the movie blew.
Pun intended.

You Limp-Wristed Son of a Fetid Donkey's Bottom!

2008-02-26T05:26:00.000-08:00

My apologies to Monty Python.

What is the state of masculinity in the Western world today? Is society becoming more and more feminized?

I ask these questions because I really want to know. In generations past, did men allow their wives/girlfriends to hit them over the head with their emotions? Were women allowed to express themselves through the dramatic? Did husbands/boyfriends put up with women's shenanigans? Do men today have the cojones to stand up to their wives/girlfriends, or do they take the path of least resistance? Are men afraid of the hysteria that many women seem to be able to drum up at will? If men were to stand firm, would women realize that hysterical rantings will not advance their argument?

Most men use their father as a role model. How the father reacted towards the mother may determine how the son will react towards his wife. In my case, father tended to be passive to my mother, who was domineering and a lot like Sybil. I cannot tell you how many times Sybil has remarked how annoying my mother is, and I cannot tell you how many times I have had to bite my tongue and keep from telling her how similar they are. If all a boy sees is a father that bows his head to his domineering mother, then that boy may grow to be a man that will bow his head to a domineering woman. The cycle will be repeated.

What about the man that was raised by his mother? What male role models does he have? How will he cope with a woman's hysterical rantings? I suspect that he will be even more misogynistic. He may come to view all women with a jaundiced eye. Since my parents remain married to this day, I do not have any experience in this situation. My guess is that either he will shirk from his husbandly/fatherly responsibilities, and/or he will have a dim view of women in general.

Sadly, we see it even in powerful, supposedly, confident women. Remember Hilary Clinton's little break down? If a man had an emotional breakdown, everyone would rightly be questioning his leadership abilities. Like many women, she used her emotions as a tool. And it worked like a charm. Like so many husbands/boyfriends that are faced with a similar situation, the voters rewarded her with more votes. Instead of rolling their eyes at a woman's hysterics, they voted for her. Again, like so many husbands/boyfriends facing a similar situation, her tears were rewarded with a kind of a head bowed, glum, "yes, dear." If she is one of the most powerful women in the country, is this what we have to look forward to?

I don't have any answers. Like everyone else, I am tainted by my own life's experiences. My life has been filled with women that use their hysterics to create drama and keep everyone off balance. I mean, come on, how many men create an hour-long fight on how to fold undershirts?

What's Wrong with Me?

2008-02-12T05:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been putting off this post. The intent of this blog was to "vent my spleen." I was not feeling that I had anywhere else to go to vent the frustrations of my marriage. I have shown the spotlight on some of Sybil's failings and our marriage's failings. In this post I'll try to shine on my failings. This is difficult because it will force me to look into those dark nooks and crannies that we all have.

Let's get started.

Procrastination. I really would rather not do it today. This is a pretty bad thing because it causes friction in my marriage. Sybil wants to get it done right now. I tend to be more lazy...er... laid back about things. I can give a lot of excuses (worked all day, I'm tired, it can wait, etc.), but the cold hard truth is I just don't want to do it. This leads to my next issue.
Avoidance. If you haven't guessed it by now, I am an avoider. I am not one to make a fuss about something that is bothering me. I dread the inevitable drama that seems to accompany confrontation. This drama must be avoided at all costs. The biggest down side is that things tend to come out when least convenient. One time I was listening to a comedian describe this. He tells about packing away these irritations. "Pack, pack, pack!" was his mantra. He admitted that this created times of sudden unpackage. A sudden trigger that makes all of that packed stuff come out. I know this is an area I am the weakest.
"Open mouth; insert foot." I am famous for saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Since I enjoy making people laugh as a way to fill that void, I will saying just about anything to get that laugh. I've learned that the more outrageous the better. Naturally, Sybil lives in mortal fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes for some lively discussions.
Insecurity. I think just about all of us are insecure at least about something. I am, definitely, no exception. See #3. I try to make people like by making them laugh, for instance. Other things that reveal my insecurity are coming below.
Trouble with criticism. This definitely goes back to my insecurity. Since one of Sybil's best attributes is critiquing me, that also makes for some lively discussion. I find it very hard to divorce myself from the criticism and focus on the whether or not there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Also, I find it very hard to take criticism from Sybil for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I care about her opinion of me. If she is criticizing me, then I feel that I am not living up to her expectations. This emotional response triggers my insecurity and causes me to become defensive. Secondly, many men yearn to be perceived as a "knight in shining armor." If my "fair maiden" finds fault, then how can I live up to that ideal. Again, insecurity comes into play.
Focus. I used to think I had a form of ADD. However, I now believe I have tremendous focus. Unfortunately, it rarely coincides with whatever Sybil is focused on. Many times it takes a great deal of effort to keep my mind from wandering elsewhere. I find myself tuning others out. Since this is one of Sybil's pet peeves (to be tuned out), it causes a great deal of consternation. Although focus has its advantages, it is truly a double edged sword.

I think those are big ones. The two biggest faults are avoidance and insecurity. They seem to be twin sisters of most of my problems. I have a daily struggle with them. Sometimes I actually win.

The Hate Post

2008-02-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

My first intention was write a post about my failings. I'll spare you, gentle reader, from being able to poke at me. Instead, I want to write about something Digger said in one his posts. He posted about the author, Schnarch, and his writing about relationships. One of the things mentioned was how spouses can start to hate each other. This hate is not, necessarily, a bad thing. Many tend to believe that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. If hate exists, then maybe something positive can arise. Working on changing negative feelings to positive, that kind of thing.

That thought struck home with me. It has rattled around inside that empty space that my hat rests upon. I have pondered that idea a lot. I came to the conclusion that I may hate Sybil. There I wrote it. I hate writing it. Oops, I wrote it again.

We don't like to think we hate the one we are supposed to love. We are not supposed to hate them. However, what other word can be used, when I dread having to spend time with them? I dread knowing that so much time and energy will spent on petty bickering and fighting. That is how I feel right now. Whenever Sybil and I spend any time together, it invariably leads to her constantly pointing out all of my failings or some little slip will trigger not annoyance but rage (yesterday I forgot to check for any text message from her). Kind of coaching from the easy chair. Never been in the game. It's kind of hard to take that. I have pointed out that giving instructions from the sidelines is not the same things as actually doing it. Mentioned on more than one occasion. Doesn't seem to help.

The possibility of hating my spouse goes against what I believed to be the natural order of things. That is the real conundrum. I'm not saying that I believe in fairy tales with everyone living happily ever after. I do believe that one should love one's spouse, period. Sadly, for the past few years, I have started to dislike Sybil. Maybe even hate. Although it isn't fair to her since I haven't spoken of it to her, I am afraid that opening that Pandora's Box will lead to a lot more pain than any happiness. Somehow I have lost that deep emotional connection to Sybil.

Communication may be important, but it doesn't always work. I am wanting Sybil to make some pretty fundamental changes in her personality. I would resent someone asking that of me (actually, I do resent Sybil). I have tried to be patient with others, because I feel that I am a deeply flawed individual. Yet, I feel that I do not get the same treatment from my wife. Communicating the problem will not solve it. I have talked to her, with her, and at her at length. She will not bend.

I realize that she has issues with me, and I am not the easiest person in the world to live with. I was planning to do a post about my failings. This post had to come out. I'm not sure if any good will come of it. May be some things should be left in the dark closet.

I Just Gotta Tell Ya

2008-01-21T06:24:00.000-08:00

The one single piece of advise I would give a woman about to be married is this: don't be a nag.

I know sometimes women feel that they are not being listened to or taken seriously. Do you really think nagging one's husband is really the answer? Trying to be helpful is a good thing, but taken to the extreme it becomes like so much other background noise. Something to be tuned out. Also, men already have one mother. If we wanted to listen to someone telling us how we were screwing everything up, we would have stayed home and lived with our mother. Let me give you a case in point.

It's Sunday morning and I have to get everyone up and moving, if we are to go to church. That includes Sybil. Actually, she is the worst one. Now, yesterday was cold. No doubt about it. I told the kids to make sure they dress appropriately. To put on a coat. Sybil, naturally, is the last one down and ready to go. I've already made sure the kids are ready. There is no way we'll get there on time. As per usual, we are going to be 30 minutes late. As we get into the car, Sybil looks at Daughter and sees the kind of coat she picked out. It is not a very well insulated one, but it is a coat. Meanwhile, Sybil has on two light coats. Son #2 has on a hoody (Son #1 wasn't with us). I don't have a coat on, but I am wearing a turtleneck sweater. Fortunately, I am rarely ever cold.

As we are driving to church, Sybil starts in about me not making sure the kids are properly dressed for the temperature. She notes that I am not properly dressed and am a poor role model for the kids. For the 15 minute drive, this is all I hear. Since I am trying to stir up as little controversy as possible, I merely explain that I did instruct the kids to wear a coat. I did tell the kids it is going to be cold. I kind of feel like the kids are old enough to know what to wear. Of course, this is wrong. Not only did I not enforce the coat wearing, but also I am not wearing a coat either.

As we are walking into the church, Sybil is still going on about it. Finally, I say "Whatever" and go to Sunday School. She goes to the nursery to help out there. During Sunday School, I start replaying the conversation and realize her intentions are noble. Afterwards, I go to her and apologize for my behavior. The kicker is, later that evening, she accuses me of trying to start a fight.

So women, please do not nag your husband. Although your intentions may be noble and it may feel like the thing to do, nothing good will really come of it. Either he will tune you out completely, simply pay lip service to you, or he will react with anger.

A Kind of Peace

2008-01-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you all that commented on my last post.

Sybil and I haven't killed each other...yet.

Life is percolating along. We seem to have retreated into our respective corners for now. She hasn't really lost it in awhile (nearly 2 weeks). Right now, it seems the key is to acknowledge that I am wrong (even I think I'm right), quickly apologize, state why I think I was wrong (even if I think I was right), and everything is hunky-dory.

Somehow, I don't think this is a recipe for a healthy marriage. What constitutes a health marriage? I have no idea. Married people seem unhappy. Single people seem unhappy. Therefore, people seem unhappy. The idea that another is cause of our unhappiness is just as laughable as the idea that another is the cause of our happiness. We have bought into the fairy tale idea that we'll "live happily ever after." The best we can hope for is to live. Hopefully together.

This realization, which really was kind of V8 moment of slapping my forehead, has helped me laugh off Sybil's tirades. I know I cannot really take them seriously. Now, before anyone gets on to me about not taking Sybil seriously, I must point out that taking her seriously is what produces our nastiest arguments. Case in point: see post below. That is a good example. If I simply nodded my head and acted like I was listening, we probably would not have had the replay of Black Hawk Down with me being the guys in the HumV's.

Is this really a healthy attitude? I cannot say. Digger can comment on that better than me. He tends to study psychology and has a better grasp for it. It probably isn't. Remember the goal: to live (hopefully, together). If this is the goal of marriage (besides raising kids in a stable, loving environment), then simply letting go of her tirades will go a long way to keeping the peace. I cannot expect Sybil to change how she keeps the peace; I must only worry about doing my part. It is the height of conceit to expect someone to change simply because one wishes it (some may want to reread that). I must only concern myself with taking my reaction out of the equation. Expressing emotion will only add fuel to the fire.

The Long Awaited Drama Post

2007-12-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

So Sybil and I are lying the bed watching The Nativity is on one of the movie networks. We come to the end of the movie, and Jesus is born. Sybil says, "God must like sin."

To me, that is a bold statement. I ask what does she mean? Sybil explains that in her bible study (which she went to all of twice) they studied about a prostitute whose decedents went to become an important group of people. I've read the bible, and I was racking my brain trying to remember who that was. I felt that by understanding this example of her statement, then I could understand her statement. Sybil is sadly uneducated about the bible and chooses to live in ignorance. She could not give me a name or any more of the story. As I began probing her about who this person was, she became more and more agitated. Finally, she gave up on that line of thinking and turned to the issue that started her thoughts: the conception and birth of Jesus.

Sybil felt that an unwed mother is a sin in God's eyes, and He used this sin to save the world. I explained that, actually, there was no sin committed at all. Jesus' conception was without sin. She stated that to everyone around Mary Jesus' birth would seem sinful. I said, "Yes, but sin isn't defined by what people think." I went on talking about how man's perception of right and wrong has little to do with what actual sin is.

By this time, Sybil is quite angry. It would seem that I was attacking her. I replied that I was not attacking her personally, but yes, I was attacking her position. There is a distinction. I never called her stupid or ignorant or anything. Instead, she kept saying that focusing on the facts and not how she came to her conclusion means I was attacking her. I answered her by saying that I was debating her statement, because I thought that was one way to discover truth.

Nope. I am attacking her. I am a sad man. I only live for facts. I cannot feel or have emotion. Sybil feels sorry for the person I am. I pointed out that her statement was a personal attack. Of course, that went over like a Lead Zeppelin. In the end I could not make her see that I was not taking the conversation into a personal level. Since Sybil is all of the time accusing me of not paying attention to what she says, I explained that I was taking great pains to understand her.

I guess I am not allowed to challenge her beliefs. I should just let her go about her life in ignorance. If I try to show that I am truly engaged in the conversation and really trying to understand how she feels, I am attacking her. Is it possible that her insecurities have made her a sad, superficial person? Any challenge to her beliefs or thoughts is met with personal attack. How is one supposed to have a meaningful relationship with someone like that?

Hopeless.

By the way, Happy New Year.

A Little Change for the New Year

2007-12-26T08:09:00.001-08:00

I've changed my picture due to the drama that is my life. I have a wonderful post exemplifying that coming in a few days. I think everyone will be amazed.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Mine was pretty good.

A Day Without Drama is Like a Day Without Sunshine

2007-12-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

Well folks, I haven't posted in awhile. Too much stuff going on here. Running 3 kids around creation, working 10 hour days, etc. It's very hard to keep the blog up to the usual posting that I had so long ago. Of course it doesn't help that I seem to be blogging about the same things constantly.

Let's take drama, for instance. Why is it that many like to create drama in their lives? Why is it that women disproportionately do the creating? Is it the feeling of "victimhood" that drives them? Are they trying to get attention? Why do it? It seems to me to expend a lot of energy keeping that constant state of drama going. Am I the problem? Maybe I'm too lazy?

Let me give you an example. Last night after taking Son#2 and Daughter to buy a present for their teachers, picking up Son#1 from swim practice, getting Son#2 some McD's, dropping Son#2 off at basketball practice, going to Subw** with the other kids, I decide to call Sybil. Sybil was at church helping with an activity. I had no way of knowing when she would be done. I thought I could drop off Son#1 and Daughter with their food at church, so she could take them home (it was now about 7:45 PM). I would stay at Son#2's basketball practice, since it was not scheduled to be over until 9:00 PM. Anyway, I'm standing in line at Subw** having already ordered the kids' food and mine. I decide to call Sybil to see what she would want, and I would bring it to her. Little did I know I had become a contestant on "Guess What I'm Thinking."

Sybil informed me that I know what she wants. She wants the warm sandwich that she got last time, "You know the one." Now, Sybil really isn't into sandwiches. She rarely eats at Subw**. I think the last time was around 4 months ago. The last sandwich wasn't a warm one. Naively, I ask for more information. She gets irritated and tells me that I should know. It's what we always get. Um, that wasn't the case last time. She isn't helpful because she can't remember the name of the sandwich.

About this time, Sybil pulls into the parking lot and walks into the establishment. She looks at the menu and points out the sandwich in question and orders it. I knew I was in for it.

I have made her feel like a second thought. By calling her AFTER I ordered and not remembering the correct sandwich, I have made her feel unloved. I have confirmed that I really only care about myself. I have confirmed that she will always be alone in this marriage just like her aunt predicted, when she was a child. In just a few statements she made me feel very small.

Silly me. I thought I was trying to be helpful. She was stuck at church with no supper. The kids wanted to go home. I felt that calling her, bringing her the food she wanted, and letting her take the kids home would be a good thing. A helpful thing. Nope. How ignorant of me. I, obviously, don't really care about her.

Drama. A person that was not into creating drama would have seen another putting forth an effort to be helpful. A Drama Queen, a Sybil, would only see things as some other disappointment. No matter how things are done, it will never be right. Drama Queens cannot kick back and enjoy themselves. Life only has meaning, if there is conflict. Drama Queens love to stir the pot and create controversy. WHY? Can someone tell me why? Why? Why all of the fuss? Why make a big deal out of not remember a freakin' sandwich from this past summer?

Help me understand.

Drama Post Part II

2007-11-13T12:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, I was wrong. After having a terribly long, painful, emotionally fraught discussion last night. Sybil was angry with my selfishness. When I chose to go home for lunch yesterday instead of meeting friend's mom for lunch at fast food restaurant (which I don't like), I was being selfish.

In truth, I was being selfish. I didn't want to spend my limited lunch time at this establishment, so I chose to go home. Sybil feels that I should have pushed my feelings about the fast food restaurant aside, had lunch with friend's mom, and taken Son#2 back to the office. Should I have? Friend's mom did not indicate any need to hurry and leave the eatery. As I said in the last post, she told me that they had just sat down and began to eat. It seemed, to me, it was a win-win situation. Son#2 got to hang out with his friend, and I got to go home and relax for lunch. Apparently, I only cared about myself.

Is it true? Probably. By nature, I tend to think how something will affect me first. That doesn't mean that I won't be helping others, or anything. That only means I think of myself first. In a strictest sense, I am selfish. However, does that mean I only take care of myself first? I don't think so. One of the reasons for my lack of posting here and commenting on other sites is lack of time. If it weren't for work, I wouldn't have time to post at all. Outside of work, I have about 30 minutes of free time a day (including weekends).

That's right 30 minutes. The only reason I have that is because I get up at 6 am. When I finally get home (usually after 8 pm due to kids' activities), I can't enjoy any "selfish pursuits." If I were to start reading a book, Sybil would get annoyed because I am ignoring her. If I play on the computer, I am being selfish for not spending time with Sybil. As I read that, it makes me wonder who is selfish?

What this all boils down to is "what's the big deal?" What is the worst that could happen? Is it the end of the world? I usually say, "No, it isn't that big of a deal." I think therein lies the problem. For Sybil EVERYTHING is a big deal. Kind of a "take care of the little things and the big things take care of themselves."

By the way, the only person that was inconvenienced was me. I didn't get to have any lunch.

Drama Post

2007-11-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted a drama post in a while. I've got a good one for today.

To set it up: the kids are out of school for Veteran's Day. Son#1 has a doctor's appointment at 11:00 am. Son #2 spent the night at a friend's house. I'm the only one that got up and went to work (I went home briefly for lunch; the house was still a mess).

It's 12:15 pm, and I'm leaving my office to have lunch. I check my phone for text messages and read:

Talked to friend's mom am. Still have son#2 and said she will dropoff son#2 @ office before going to place am. Just FYI! She called...going to fast food restaurant for lunch. Call to make arrangements. Piano @ 1:45pm.

Unfortunately, I haven't shifted gears mentally from work to personal. I skimmed the message. I missed "Call to make arrangements." I got hung up on FYI. Since Sybil and the other two kids are stuck at the doctor's office, I was on my own for lunch. Now, I hate going to fast food restaurant. The food is overpriced, doesn't fill me up, and the traffic to and fro is horrible. I decide to get gas and run home for a quick lunch and be back in time for friend's mom to drop off Son#2. I get a text message from Sybil instructing me to call friend's mom (Sybil is stuck in a doctor's office and doesn't want to use the cell phone). I call friend's mom, and she says they have just sat down and started eating. Well, I figure no problem. The SOP is eat and then play a while on the indoor playground. I've got time for lunch at home and be back at the office before Son#2 has to be dropped off.

I'm sitting at home about to eat lunch, when I get a voice call from Sybil. When she finds out I'm at home, she goes ballistic. She wants to know why I'm at home, when friend's mom has to go to
place! I should have gone to fast food restaurant and had lunch there and taken Son#2 with me back to the office to make it easier on friend's mom. I explained that I had talked with her, and she told me they had just sat down to eat. Sybil continues to go off. Didn't I read her text message? Didn't I see where they were going to place? I said I read it, but I didn't think they had to go to place right now. The kids had just started eating lunch. No! Friend's mom has to go now. I say "Ok, ok. I'll go and get Son#2. I've got time. I'm sorry. I must have misread the text message." Sybil says that she should have known better than to schedule something that has to have me involved in it. She should have known to make sure she can do it by herself, because I am unable or unwilling to help out.

I'm in dog house big time here. I should have taken more time and reread the text message. I feel that it is an honest mistake. However, I guess I make too many of those.

Really?!?

2007-11-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant.
You're up for just about anything.

Who's Your Inner European?

Marriage, Toughest Job You'll Ever Love?

2007-11-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile, so I guess I should post something.

I once wrote that I needed to post something negative about myself, instead of focusing on Sybil's negatives. So you will be treated to a bit of introspection.

I tend to focus on something to the exclusion of everything else. If I am reading a book, I will close myself off from everything else. Since Sybil is not a reader, she gets very annoyed, whenever I am. This makes her feel ignored (a VERY big pet peeve).
Daydreaming. I daydream. I can get a little spacey. This causes me to miss parts of conversations. By missing parts of conversations, I miss important information.
I have problems with people telling what to do. A case in point happened last Thursday evening. I am putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. We have these plastic cups that we got from restaurants for our kids. Naturally, they are different sizes. I placed a smaller cup into a larger cup. Sybil did not like that and asked me to keep the sizes together. This rankled me. A fight ensued because I refused to be told how to stack plastic cups.
As demonstrated here, I have a fear of confrontation. I have a real fear of the emotions that go along with confrontation. I am afraid of what the end result might be.

These are just scratching the surface. However, these problems can and have caused real problems between Sybil and me. The first two alone account for an estimated 85% of our arguements. I seem unable to improve on them. It, defintely, keeps things interesting.

Letting Go

2007-10-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone that commented on my last post. No, Sybil and I will not be divorcing anytime soon. I know, I know there are literally...one or two ladies that are saddened by this. A commenter suggested that I should just leave her, and my life would be better.

Ahh...if it were that easy. I'm sure anyone that has gone through divorce will tell you that leaving someone is not an easy thing to do. Yes, Sybil has a way of driving me insane. Yes, she can invoke a sense of quiet desperation. Is that a reason to leave her? Like any big decision, one must way the pros and the cons.

Now, I have done that before on this blog. To sum it up, the grass would not be greener elsewhere. The damage done to my children, my finances, is too great to risk. Also, what one sees on this blog is a small microcosm of my life. Remember, I started the blog to "vent my spleen."

One of the reasons for my lack of posting is my "letting go." I can't get bogged down in the petty drama that Sybil (and many women, in my experience) produces. Having "discussions" over petty, little things all of the time is counter productive, but that is Sybil. She worries about the little things in hopes that the big things take care of themselves. I've decided that she can worry about the small stuff. I'll let that be her "job." I find that people that worry about the small stuff tend to be stressed out all of the time. Whenever I do that, I know I am.

One benefit of this blog is letting me peek into other marriages/relationships. Having done so, I see that mine is pretty good. I read many that complain about their spouses (who doesn't). I guess I prefer the evil I know to the evil I don't know. Blogging has definitely helped me keep things in perspective. That isn't easy. We tend to get wrapped up in our own drama. We tend to forget the pain that others are suffering. Also, we tend to think we are alone in the struggle.

So, for the benefit of my marriage, my relationship with my children, and my mental health, I must work on letting some things go. Now, where does that leave this blog? Well, I'm sure I don't have the readership that I did. I probably will continue posting, but the posting will be less about Sybil and my drama and more about relationships in general.

Until then, hasta la vista.

The Saga Continues

2007-09-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

Last night Sybil came home from Bonko with an interesting observation: the other women were amazed that she wins all of the arguments. The running joke I have is that, when I said "I do," my balls were locked up with Sybil having the key.

That indicates to me that much of what Sybil is I've allowed to be created. By not standing up for myself, I allowed her to fill that void. The problem lies in our different personalities. In an old post I mentioned that Sybil has a "scorched earth" style of arguing. She is VERY persistent and stubborn. Once she stakes out her position, it is a monumental task to change that position. Unfortunately, I tend to try to be a consensus builder. I want everyone to be happy. I want both sides to be heard and to meet somewhere in the middle. Mix in an aversion to confrontation and that adds up to a monster that, although I didn't create, I allowed to roam free.

I need to improve my debating style. I need to stake out my position and, rationally, defend it. It stems from a form of laziness. When these arguments come about, it's usually at the end of the day, and I'm tired (Sybil operates on ~9 hours of sleep. I get ~6).

Honestly, if it weren't for the kids and my fear of poverty, I would have left already. I hate thinking that, much less typing that. I was brought up to believe that married people stay married, no matter how painful it is. Also, this goes against my Judeo-Christian beliefs. Probably the kids and the fact that divorce courts are stacked against men hold more power over me.

To be continued...

Meeting Myself Coming

2007-09-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

Things are still pretty busy with work and personal life. Apparently, I'm down to monthly posting. Part of the reason is that Sybil and I are spending A LOT of time together. Since work has become more than I can handle alone, I've brought her in to help. With her detail oriented, micromanaging style, it's a wonder we're still together. Love is a many a wonderful thing.

Nothing exciting to report on the home front. We've had a couple of blowups but nothing major. After a lot of introspection, I'm beginning to think that my libido isn't down. I'm beginning to think its my desire for Sybil that is. Don't get me wrong, I love Sybil. I think I need a break from her. Not a separation or anything. Just some time to myself. I have a hard time being with the same person (friend or significant other) all the time. I just need a break.

Hopefully, I'll be posting more than monthly. We'll see.

Later...

Alive!

2007-08-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the hiatus. I've been extremely busy, and Sybil has been with me at the office everyday. That leaves little room for blogging. I'm sure my readership is in about one a week. I'll be posting more in the future. Things will normalize once the kids are back in school, and the office becomes less crazy.

Sybil and I haven't killed each other, yet. We've had fewer incidents than average. The one that continues is my lack of interest in sex. I'm not sure what the problem is. I don't know, if it is all of the past 14 years' of crap, stress from work, boredom (her boundaries), or what. I know she is disappointed. Maybe I'm bored? I'm sure that some think I've got it great, but straight missionary sex with me doing all of the work becomes...work.

Gotta run. Both of you that are still reading my blog: good to see you.

I'm not Dead, Yet. I'm Beginning to Feel Better

2007-07-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. We've been doing a lot of traveling. We took our first real vacation last week. After 14 years of marriage, it's about time. There's nothing like a seven hour car ride with Sybil to make me want to take up drinking.

Yep, seven hours of reliving my past mistakes. Reexamining my life under the microscope. I won't bore you with details, dear reader. I wish I could say I'm happy to be back at work. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, Sybil is having help out in the office. It's 24/7 stress. Great fun!

Oh, my libido? Dead.

I'll try to be more diligent in posting.

Hope for the Beast

2007-07-02T10:18:00.001-07:00

Take heart you hopelessly men. If this guy can get an attractive ex-model, there's hope for you.

This image just reaffirms the stereotype of the ugly guy with the hot woman. Why is that? What does that guy have that enables him to get the girl?

Personally, I believe it's a combination of things.

Money. I know I'll come across as...well...old-fashioned, but women like to feel secure. Salman Rushdie is a successful author. He has made quite a living off of his books. When the Ayatollah "of Rock and Rolla" Khomeini issued his fatwa, that was the best publicity he could have gotten. Thus he was able to sell more books.
Confidence. Women are attracted to men that are confident, not necessarily cocky. A confident man exudes an aura that attracts women and other men. Think of Alpha Male. The main dog in the pack (there, that will score me some points with women).
He asked. How many times do attractive women sit around and whine about not being asked out? Many men are too scared of rejection to ask out a women that he perceives to be out his league. Men adhere to the "Ladder Theory". This ties in with #2. Also, men with money tend to be confident.

The Beauty and the Beast story has been around for ages. Yet, we are still fascinated by it. Gorgeous women (and maybe men) attached to shlumpy men.

I'm Back

2007-06-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Yep, like a bad penny, I keep popping up.

I got back home late Sunday night, but because of work and overall fatigue, I haven't posted until today. Sorry.

Sybil and the kids are still at her parents house and won't be home until Monday, so I've been livin' the dream of bachelorhood. Well, not really. Sybil can still reach out and touch me and does everyday. We've only had one argument on the phone. I'm sure that'll change when she comes back home.

Funny thing, my libido has come back with a vengeance. I wonder how long that will last? I'm feeling a little...er...anxious.

Nothing interesting to write about. Since this blog was a way to vent my frustrations brought on by my marriage, I have less to write about. With Sybil not around, I have nothing to blog about. I guess that means she is my source of excitement.

Sad.

I'm Outta Here!

2007-06-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'll be gone until next Monday.

Sybil + traveling + her parents + kids + STRESS = a good blog post in the works.

Later.

14

2007-06-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

years of marriage. Sybil and I celebrated our fourteenth anniversary yesterday. Who would have thought.

Ahh, I remember it well.

We were in grad school. She had not been feeling well. I told her she was pregnant and needed to get tested. She thought no it was a only a stomach thing. So one month later, we are at a Planned Parenthood place to get her tested. Yep, she's pregnant. Now, Sybil will say I took her to an abortion clinic to get tested. Although it was an abortion clinic, I took her to a place that offered free testing. We were poor students with no health insurance.

After much soul searching, I asked Sybil, "Well, do you wanna?" I know. I'm a hopeless romantic. We went to the court house and got married on the anniversary of the judge, who had also gotten married by a judge. For our reception dinner, we went to Wendy's. We topped it off with a Frosty. The next day we drove across the state for our honeymoon. Sybil had morning sickness the WHOLE TIME. It rained.

We've survived a lot: 3 unexpected pregnancies (she's Catholic...that's my story and I'm sticking to it), stress of grad school, poverty, success, etc.

I blogged about all of the crap I put up with with Sybil. I'm not truly over it, yet. However, I'd rather have to deal with her crap than learn someone else's. When someone here asks why don't I divorce her, it's rather simple: I love her.

Damn it.

"Knocked Up" a Movie Review

2007-06-05T05:38:00.000-07:00

I don't usually do movie reviews, but Sybil and I caught Knocked Up last night. For those of you that don't know what it's about, the story revolves around a woman, Alison, that becomes pregnant from a one night stand. She tells the man and hilarity ensues. This movie struck pretty close to home because it a lot of similarities to what Sybil and I went through.

Although our first born is not the product of a one nighter (we had been dating for about 6 months), we weren't married nor prepared for her pregnancy. At first blush, one might think that I would most identify with the Ben, the man involved in the one nighter. He is a happy go lucky kind of guy. He is sailing through life rudderless. His main objective is to smoke dope and run a website that tracks nude scenes. However, as the movie unfolded I found myself identifying with Pete. Pete is Alison's brother-in-law. We learn that Pete and Debbie (Alison's sister) also "had to get married." The audience sees Pete and Debbie as two over-achieving persons. However, there is a lot of tension and conflict between Pete and Debbie. They are what Alison and Ben fear becoming. The line uttered by Debbie: "You criticize them a lot, and they get so down on themselves that they're forced to change." reveals her philosophy about being married to Pete. Debbie soon becomes convinced that Pete is having an affair and sneaks into the house where he is and confronts him. I won't give it away.

The rest of the story is typical. Alison and Ben have a baby and live happily ever after.

The reason I wanted to write about this movie is the relationship of Debbie and Pete. It struck very close to home. Debbie is a controlling harpy and Pete is a spineless noodle. Pete chooses conflict avoidance and turns to sneaking out of the house to get away from Debbie. Although it is apparent that Pete and Debbie love each other, they are doomed for marital struggle. Kind of like Sybil and me.

Sybil's constant barrage of criticism mixed with my tendency towards conflict avoidance is a volatile mixture. Instead of trying to be a little laid back and trying to accept each other for how we are, Sybil and I are constantly butting heads. When she gets on a roll, there is no stopping her. After a while I find myself wanting to tune her out. Since her main pet peeve is not being listened to, this only exacerbates the problem. Round and round we go.

If you want insight into my marriage, watch this movie. However, don't focus on the main story line. Instead, focus on the subplot as marriage is examined. Although this movie earned its "R" rating, it is a very funny movie. If you like 40 Year-Old Virgin, then this movie is right up your alley.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

2007-05-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

*WARNING* Too much information.

I think now is a good time to revisit a subject that has been bothering me for a long time: by lagging libido.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty typical in that I wanted to have sex ALL OF THE TIME. Looking back, it seems that was all that was on my mind. Girls were developing all sorts of interesting aspects to their anatomy, and I was enjoying the development. The girls I dated usually kept the brakes on, so I was not having any sex (if you believe Bill Clinton). At least not sexual intercourse. It wasn't until I was a senior in high school that I had my first episode of sexual intercourse. It was less than I expected.

In college I had intercourse with 3 women, but did other things with about 3 more. I was still wanting it ALL OF THE TIME. However, I learned that sex usually came with an emotional price tag. I wouldn't have sex unless we both used the "L" word. I felt I was pretty normal in my desire for sex ALL OF THE TIME.

In grad school, the class work was much more intense. I took about 25 hours of classes each quarter. There was little time for meeting the opposite sex, except for those in the same grad school. Since it was a very small school and many were married, the odds were against me. I met Sybil there, and we became very serious. We had SEX ALL OF THE TIME.

Sybil became pregnant, I loved her and couldn't imagine not raising my child, so I married her. For the first few years we had SEX some OF THE TIME. However, it wasn't until we were married that Sybil showed "Sybil-ness." During this time I came to realize that she has a temper. A really quick, bad temper. Having grown up in a house with a woman that could quickly become unhinged (a topic for another post...Freud would love it), I learned to walk on eggshells. When Sybil is in her sweet mode, she is very caring and loving. When she is in her pissed off mode, there is nothing on this side of hell that would change her emotional state.

Today, I am facing a change in my libido. Why is this? I could have SEX ALL OF THE TIME. Sybil is accommodating. This has really bothered me. I've even talked to my doctor about it. He knows the kind of stress I have with my profession, so he chalked it up to that. I agree it is stressful, but I'm not sure it is work related. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing things. Work tends to stay at work, and home tends to stay at home. If I've had a really bad day at work, I may need about an hour to regroup. Afterwards, I'm fine. Nope. I think it is the stress and strain of home.

Home should be a refuge. Home should be a fortress against the world. For me home has increasingly become more stressful than anything at the office. There have been times that I would rather stay at the office than go home. That is one of the things affecting my libido.

My decreased desire to have SEX ALL OF THE TIME with Sybil has nothing to do with her outward appearance. When we go out, men turn their heads to watch her. She is still very attractive. In fairness to Sybil, it is not all because of her emotional issues. Sometimes I get tired of doing all of the work. I get tired of plain, ol' vanilla sex.

Her idea of foreplay: holding my hand right before she falls into the land of Nod. Wow. That really revs my engine. When we have sex, it is mainly on me. I have to be the one to take charge. I don't mind doing it some of the time, but all of the time becomes tiring. I have to deal with that in deciding what to have for lunch. Rarely does she decide that, much less how to have sex.

So that's the situation. What is to be done? Talking? Right, that always fixes things. I've done it until I could puke coat hangers. Unfortunately, we're dealing with basic personality issues. Those cannot be talked away. Confronting someone on every, single issue eventually will make that person avoid one like the plague. Compromise is good, when BOTH do it.

I hope you've enjoyed me venting my spleen.

Tagged

2007-05-16T05:36:00.000-07:00

LBP has tagged me. He is interested to know who I've played or would want to play in some sort of drama. Since this helps to take my mind of the drama in my life, I'll play along.

In high school I was a thesbian. That's TH not L, although I enjoy having sex with women. I guess in that way I do have lesbian tendencies. But I digress.

I was involved in drama, and I was on the speech team in high school. I was pretty decent. My best friend and I did a duet acting piece and came in 6th in the state. It was pretty funny piece from a serious play dealing with Viet Nam veterans in a VA hospital. I played a dumb hick. I'm a character actor. I was also involved in the high school musicals. Since I can't sing, I was relegated to playing bit parts. The drama teacher promised my friend and me a play just for those that can act but cannot sing. Alas, it was never meant to be.

I'm not sure what character I'd like to play. Some of the characters I've enjoyed watching were: Josey Wales, Porter (Mel Gibson's Payback), etc. These characters share some common traits: a prickly nature, goal oriented, moral flexibility. Although I tend to be goal oriented, most people around me find me to be a lot of fun. I like cracking jokes and making those around me feel at ease with me. Go figure.

Pretty accurate

2007-05-11T05:22:00.000-07:00

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

82%

Neo orthodox

79%

Emergent/Postmodern

71%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

61%

Reformed Evangelical

57%

Roman Catholic

54%

Fundamentalist

39%

Classical Liberal

39%

Modern Liberal

29%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

This little quiz was accurate because I've been thoroughly indoctrinated by the Methodist faith my whole life.

Run Away! Run Away!

2007-05-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Came across this post. Amanda is complaining that her boyfriend won't do anything around the house, and the things he does do are not to her specifications.

This post brings up an interesting dichotomy in my marriage. Sybil is much more...shall we say...particular on how things are done. If I am folding clothes and do not fold UNDERSHIRTS to her specifications, then she gets her feelings hurt. If I am loading the dishwasher and do not PREWASH the dishes before washing them, then she gets her feelings hurt. I remember the time that Son #1, a friend, friend's son and I were going backpacking. Sybil was still sound asleep, when we left. Needing a spatula, I grabbed what was the oldest, most used one to take along. About 45 minutes into the drive, I get a phone call from an irate Sybil because I grabbed her FAVORITE spatula. Hell, I didn't know she knew how to cook (since we eat out ~99% of the time), much less had a favorite spatula.

Reading Amanda's post made me think of how things will go with her boyfriend. Since he will not do anything to her specifications, she will nag at him for not doing a good enough job. She will forget that he is trying to please her, and she will only focus on what a moron he is for forgetting that the proper way to fold clothes is her way. Said boyfriend will decide it isn't worth the aggravation and quit doing it. This isn't being passive-aggressive. There have been many "discussions" about these certain things. In order to maintain some semblance of peace, the boyfriend will, simply, stop.

Amanda will not see herself as being that anal retentive. She, instead, will focus only on the boyfriend and his apparent need to make her angry. As an aside, no man purposefully tries to make his wife/girlfriend angry, playful jibing, maybe but not angry. As time marches on Amanda will come to feel that her boyfriend is lazy and doesn't want to help out because he expects her to do everything. They will fall into the cliche of the woman doing all of the housework. Her resentment towards him will grow. Eventually, they will break up.

A few questions:

Why is HER way the ONLY way?
Is there no credit for the attempt or is it pass/fail?
Does Amanda (and women like her) need to grow up?

Avoiders Anonymous (AA)

2007-04-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

Nag coiled himself down, coil by coil, round the bulge at the bottom of the water jar, and Rikki-tikki stayed still as death. After an hour he began to move, muscle by muscle, toward the jar. Nag was asleep, and Rikki-tikki looked at his big back, wondering which would be the best place for a good hold. "If I don't break his back at the first jump," said Rikki, "he can still fight. And if he fights--O Rikki!" He looked at the thickness of the neck below the hood, but that was too much for him; and a bite near the tail would only make Nag savage. "It must be the head"' he said at last; "the head above the hood. And, when I am once there, I must not let go." Then he jumped.

Riki-Tikki-Tavi
Rudyard Kippling

FTN's post about being an avoider for a day was quite the interesting read. His writing shows how a normally confrontational person tries to tone it down. He tries to not let Autumn in on every, single thing that is annoying him. Finally, he can stand it no longer and nearly explodes.

I am happy that FTN is able to be that confrontational with Autumn. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. Being an avoider is no fun. Although confronting the person, who wrongs you, is the best course of action, that can lead to unexpected results. Both Sybil and my mother were (are) emotionally labile.

Although I don't want to turn this post into one about my mother (I'm saving that for later for all of you followers of Freud), I learned from an early age to avoid her temper at all costs. She was not an easy woman to live with. My father could seek refuge from her at work, but I had to wait until school to have my refuge. Sybil is a little like my mother. Whenever I confront her on an issue, I find myself being flailed around the room, metaphorically speaking. By changing the subject or bringing up my faults, she makes confrontation very difficult. In an effort to maintain peace and tranquility, I find myself swallowing my issues.

That was it means to be an avoider. By being non-confrontational, one tries to maintain the peace at any costs. Kind of like France. Intellectually, I know this will only lead to an invasion of Poland, but in the short run that seems easier. It's only Poland. Because I know what eventually happened in Europe by not confronting an aggressor until it was too late, I have worked very hard on improving my communication skills and confrontational skills.

AA people tend to become passive-aggressive. That is the pitfall of trying to maintain peace "in our time." The irritations are still there, but we don't deal well with them. Instead, we circumvent the confrontation process and use sneaky methods. I am ashamed to admit that I have caught myself doing that, rarely. That is something that I always guard against.

As hard it was for FTN to avoid all of his issues for a day, it is just as hard for a non-confrontational person to be confrontational for a day. It means we have to expect an unpleasant reaction. We must go against our conditioning. It is hard work for us too.

Law of Unintended Consequences

2007-04-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

Things have calmed down to certain peace. Sybil apologized for her actions; I apologized for mine. Yet, there seems to be a lingering after effect. I'm not sure Sybil feels the same as me, but I feel a loss of connection. After all of the arguments and fights we've had, each one has left me feeling battered and bruised. I'm not sure I feel resentment towards her, but I feel trepidation about what to do or say. I feel that the reaction I'll get is more than I can handle.

Grabbing the tiger by its tail is a dangerous situation. To keep from grabbing the tail, I feel that I must act differently. I must watch each and every word and weigh its potential meanings carefully. I know that we all must do that in polite society; it is difficult to manage in the privacy of my own home. I cannot speak freely; I cannot act freely. Since I have not been one deal well with authority, this is a burden.

If one is in a truly intimate relationship, shouldn't that person be, relatively, free to speak and act? I could understand, if I were abusive. Am I this horrible person, or am I stuck in a hopeless situation? No one likes to think of themselves in a negative light. Am I in denial, or am I a selfish, unthinking bastard? Is Sybil right or am I?

Confrontation is a good thing, but over time constant confrontation over everything can lead to a feeling of despair. When something really important needs to be addressed, it can be lost in the noise of all of the other issues. The person being confronted begins to feel like a failure. I believe in carrot and stick approach can work, but what if there is no carrot?

Update

2007-04-17T05:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those that commented on my last post.

Well, it was the calm before the storm.

Yesterday, Sybil and I had a huge fight. She was cursing (something she rarely does) and crying, and I was cursing (something I rarely do in front of her) and yelling. Nothing was resolved. I hope to smooth things over better today. I have come realize that I was wrong to reveal how I felt in public. I should have waited until we were alone and confronted her. Unfortunately, she never admitted to any wrong doing.

On the baseball bag incident, Sybil merely said that she misspoke, when she said "we". If she saw my point of view, she never indicated that to me. She could only see it as me blowing up for a comment that she made about "me" moving the bags. Towards the end of the argument, Sybil wondered why the kids and I think she is snapping at us, when she knows that she isn't. I thought that was telling, but I will wait until things are a little quieter to broach that subject. Anyway, I was wrong to show public irritation with her; I should have bit my tongue and confronted her later. However, she has indicated no wrongdoing.

As for the store incident, Sybil was stressing out because my parents about to pay for the items being purchased. She said what she said out of frustration. She really did not want my parents paying for anything, since they were our guests. I did get an apology of sorts. She did say she was sorry, but she yelled it at me with no remorse. Again, I should have not shown my irritation in public but waited until later. Again, she has indicated no remorse.

Lastly, Sybil did not wear her ring all day yesterday. Is it that easy to take off? I have not taken mine off for more than five minutes in nearly fourteen years. Sybil has always maintained that, although she may angry with me, she never stops loving me. Am I supposed to believe that? What I believe is that this supposed to make me be scared for our future. Even though I made mistakes in this, I do not feel the normal amount of remorse. If Sybil showed a little more responsibility for her part of the problem, I might be a little more contrite. Maybe I feel this is a bit of a tempest in a teapot? Maybe I feel that her behavior goes beyond the pale? I could understand if I was out all night and came home smelling of cheap perfume and cheaper booze (or versa visa), but reacting to how she was treating me? I feel as though my feelings are not taken seriously. When I tell that, I get excuses and other rhetoric. I do not get "you might be right. I'm sorry." After telling her that all I wanted was some acknowledgment of how she made me feel, I did not get that. I got excuses. I'm a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" would have sufficed.

Developing...

Silence is Golden?

2007-04-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend was almost fun with Sybil. My parents spent the weekend with us. Since the drive is about 6 to 7 hours, we don't see them too often. Son#2 had a baseball tournament, and it rained.

We had managed to play two games before the rain started to come down. Between games the players and parents were standing under an awning trying to keep dry. Sybil sees this and says,"We should move their baseball bags out of the rain and put them under this awning." I grab my son's bag first and put it under the awning. I turn to Sybil, and she was sitting in a folding chair. She sees me standing there and says something to the effect of "Well, aren't you going to bring the other bags in?" There was no mention nor any indication that she was going to get off her duff and help. I give my patented "Eat S@#t and Die" look and mumble a smart remark. I grab the bags and place them under the awning. Whatever.

Driving home from the game, we decide to stop at the grocery store to pick up some essentials. We are in the check out lane, and Sybil realizes that she doesn't have her grocery store member card with her. I know that this important because she loves the fact that she gets an extra few cents off per gallon of gas, if she puts so much on the card. I, happily, go out into the cold rain and get her other purse from the car. I bring the purse to the checkout lane and hand it to her. She says, "You didn't have to bring the whole purse. All I needed was the card." No expression of gratitude. I give her another look. Whatever.

When we get home, I notice that I'm getting the silent treatment. With my parents still there, I do not want to make a big fuss over anything. I wait until I know everyone is asleep, and I ask her what is wrong. Sybil is "disappointed" with me because of how I acted in front of friends and my parents. She makes no mention of her actions, which created my reaction. When I point out her actions and her rudeness, there is no apology, there isn't even a coherent excuse. Sybil is focused on how I acted in front others. Granted I could have acted better. I could have waited until no one was around and point out the error of her ways, but couldn't she have treated me better in front of others, too? Couldn't she have been nicer (or at least polite)?

We are at a stalemate. Sybil will not admit any wrong doing. Since my reactions were a response to her rudeness, I cannot admit any wrong doing. Also, I know that if I had done the same thing to her, I would have been chewed out. Although I could have handled myself better, Sybil has to realize that she not innocent either. So now she is not talking to me. I initiated conversation last night, which went nowhere. Silence is golden? Or, is silence the calm before the storm?

Dealing with Anger

2007-04-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

so gone over you made an astute observation:

But seriously, if Sybil acts this way, somewhere along the line, YOU allowed it. People only treat you the way you allow them to.

I would agree that I enabled Sybil's bad behavior. When her vitriol is directed at me, I seem to have my shields down. After 14 years of marriage I, her verbal body blows seem to catch unprepared. I find myself reacting to her. My past mistake was not calling her on how she shows her anger. That was then.

I still have a lot of work to do in the arena of marital combat. However, I have started calling Sybil on her behavior. By doing this, I hope to be able to "nip it in the bud." I am not always successful. Being from a long line of avoiders, confrontation is not my strong suit. Confronting a volatile personality is even more difficult.

Sybil has started being more in control of her reactions. That is not to say that she is perfect, but it does mean that our conflicts are more of a small conflagration rather than a full blown smack down. I have also learned methods to help diffuse the situation. If she makes a coherent case for being angry with me, I'll apologize quicker than before. If she is just angry to be angry, then I do not respond.

No! Really?!?

2007-03-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

Science has proven what I've always believed: women are angrier than men.

How often have we seen a wife talk down to her husband? Hit her husband for a silly comment? Have we come to believe nothing of it?

As cataloged here, my marital experiences mirror the results of the study. Sybil is allowed to get angry over any, little thing. Although she is not passive - aggressive, she has to really work to control her anger. Truly, she feels that she is justified in her behavior. Her reaction to me is my fault, I am able to control her emotions (apparently).

One of the comments posted on Dr. Helen's blog might shed some incite:

Well in a futile attempt at getting back to the question at hand, my experience has been that women behave passive-aggressively by demonstrating disapproval. For all our bluster, boys and men seek the approval of women. It begins sometime in middle school. I would venture that few men had girls falling at their feet but rather were consigned to trying to gain some girl's attention from amongst the multitudes of admires. This awareness of women's approval or disapproval becomes a primal force. Many women I've experienced understand this and use it as a weapon. It is usually worse when the man is not meeting some unspoken expectation of the woman. Not keeping her in the manner she feels she should or not having the job she feels is more socially appropriate. I know several men who found themselves divorced these very "failures." Not all women are like this mind you, a fortunate situation for us men. The longterm effect of this is that many men just stop seeking the company of women. At least, company not financially contracted. This generally leads to a vicious circle as women become "unhappy" at not getting the attention they desire from men at least on their terms. I experience this often in ballroom dancing, it seems many women can't suppress their displeasure at men who are learning and thus unable to produce the dance experience they desire. For some reason, they just can't comprehend that this attitude causes men to stop taking lessons and thus their are fewer men for them to dance with. I believe it stems from the habit learned in their teenage years that men exist to please them and by being petulant they get their way. They seem to not understand men adapt to this strategy by avoidance.

Tagged

2007-03-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Digger in this post for as being on his list of thinking bloggers. That came as a surprise. When I started this blog, I never really expected anyone to read, let alone take the time to comment. I soon discovered there are many, who have issues in there relationships. Like me, they turn to the "blogosphere" to air their problems and try to work towards a resolution. Since my time is limited due to work and family obligations, I am unable to cultivate any real male friendships. I do not enjoy playing a round of golf with a friend. As my tag line says, I started this blog to vent my frustrations of being married to Sybil. It has been helpful, because I soon discovered that I'm not the crazy one. Anyway, I am very flattered to have been tagged in this matter. Now the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

The five bloggers that make me think are:

Joe Flirt makes me think, because he and I are in similar situations. Granted his is more extreme, but nonetheless his is a difficult situation.
Tajalude makes me see the other side of the coin of a male's low libido. Her husband seems to share a few traits with myself. Her blog helps give me another perspective.
Steve at Hog on Ice helps me think about food and cooking, which are one of my favorite things. In addition, he adds humor to social and political commentary.
Emily's Post is great blog. We see Emily struggle with her relationship and the testament that love is the glue that holds us together.
Although this author will not answer the tag, Vox Day makes me think due to quite different perspective in political and societal thinking. I don't always agree with what he writes, but he definitely makes me think.

I could have added other blogs, but I wanted to list those that weren't nominated (that I know of).

Back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Change of Plans

2007-03-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

Originally, I had planned to write a post about my waning libido. Since Sybil and I had an interesting blow-up last night, you get spared that post...for a while.

Let me set the scene.
Daughter had a friend come over for an afternoon visit. It's now supper time, and we have no food in the house (naturally). Sybil recommends a certain restaurant, which everyone was in favor of, and we go eat. Around 8:15 pm we leave the restaurant to take the friend home. We arrive around 8:30 pm. We stand outside and talk for a few minutes, Sybil wants to go inside and look at our mutual friend's new cabinets. The friend and I chit-chat, and Sybil rejoins us. During the course of the conversation, the friend remarks that she is tired. I look at my watch, and see that it is nearly 8:45 pm. Since we try to have our kids in bed by 9:00 pm on a school night, I think it is time to go. I make a couple remarks to that end. Sybil indicates that it is time to go, so I get our kids loaded up in the van. The kids and I sit in the van for about 8 minutes. I see Sybil turn as if she is about to join us. She stops and resumes talking to our friend. Thinking this may be a while, I shut the engine off. Sybil gives a me a glance. After a few minutes, she joins us, being very silent. We go home.

Apparently, I am rude. I used shutting off the engine as a statement to let her know that I was more than ready to go home. When she told me that, it did make sense, and I told so. Although in my heart of hearts I did not mean that act to signify that, I can understand why shutting off the engine would be a signal. I, simply, did not want to keep the car running any longer than necessary.

As the argument progressed, I was told that I am a jerk for not having any faith in Sybil. It does not matter that a 5 minute conversation between these two women always turns into a 30 minute holding pattern. Always. I have no faith in her. Therefore, I am a jerk.

I was born a poor, black child.

Resentment

2007-03-13T03:43:00.000-07:00

Things with Sybil are still doing ok. She hasn't had any major blow-ups in a while, to her credit. She has worked hard on realizing how her reactions get an equal reaction. Starting in "high gear" only leads another blow-up. She has worked on not allowing herself to react in that manner.

The problem, then, is me. I am have now become that which I disliked. I find myself with a short temper. I find myself on the defensive at every opportunity. It seems that I am just waiting for Sybil to become angry with me. Kind of a preemptive strike. Naturally, she reacts normally and becomes irritated with me. I am so conditioned to expect being yelled at or talked down to over small, trivial things that I tend to strike first. How did I get to this predicament? Have I always been such a jerk? Have my true colors been allowed to show?

That is the power of resentment. By not putting past events behind me, I am allowing them to dictate my present behavior. That is not healthy. By allowing this brewing storm to continue, I am adding to the volatile mixture. I know that it will take time for this to wash out of my system. I truly want this poison to leave me, yet I still have not mastered my conditioned responses.

Although I could blame Sybil for my current state, I must take responsibility for myself. I am not liking the person I have become right now. Blaming her and saying she conditioned me, is a childish reaction. Adults are supposed to own up to their part in the situation. I have not been doing that.

I want to love my wife. I want us to live to a ripe, old age together. I want us to be together as our children grow up and have children of their own. Unfortunately, right now I feel that I am faking it. I am not sure that I have an emotional connection with her. Am I "out of love" with her? I almost hesitate to think it, much less to say it. Hopefully, this is just a fleeting feeling.

Hello? Is There Anybody Out There?

2007-03-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not dead. I'm not even very sleepy. I am EXTREMELY busy. It'll be a quick update for now:

Sybil is still being very amazing. I'm not sure WTF is going on, but never look a gift horse in the mouth (not that she is a horse).
My kids' activities are eating up a tremendous amount of time. Son#1 made his school's baseball team. Stole home in a scrimmage and...broke his ankle. Crap. Son#2's baseball is has been practicing for about 6 weeks and now is getting into high gear.
Work is keeping me very busy. By the time I get home it's usually after 8:00 (after work and kids' activities), and I'm pretty wiped out.
My libido is still pretty low. I'm a little worried about that.
I'll be posting more later.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sybil's 180 continued

2007-02-20T13:55:00.001-08:00

We last left our intrepid husband wondering "What the hell?" Sybil had become someone else. Was this to remain or was this to change back? Which personality would he get? Would she continue in this vein of trying to be more loving and patient, or would her anger get the best of her? What brought all of this on?

Well, from that last post I can say she has worked on improving. Sybil has worked to being more affectionate and less angry. We still have arguments. We had a doozy last night over how to fold undershirts and making sure the correct boy's underwear goes to the correct boy. It lasted a long time. What sets this argument apart from previous ones is the aftermath. She did not seem resentful (digger wrote a good post on resentment that I'll add to soon). I did not feel that I was in a fencing match.

I wrote about some potential health issues, and how they may be contributing to Sybil's working towards change. I think that was only part of the reason. Although she may be seeing tangible, physical problems from the stress I have, Sybil also has seen many couples divorce lately. In our church there are 5 couples that have just divorced or will soon divorce for one reason or another. I believe that Sybil has been hit with the potential reality of us divorcing. Either she leaving me, or me leaving her.

Sybil has become realistic about marriage. She has started to understand that it isn't always fun. Probably, she knew that on an intellectual level but not emotionally. She was always looking at me as the source of her unhappiness (see above about folding undershirts and underwear size determination). The other day she said that she was happy about 70 to 80% with our marriage. I'd say that's not bad. Of course, I didn't tell her about me being happy about 50% of the time. In an earlier time I might have, but I see her making strides.

I understand that married people fight. I'm not asking for no fighting. I'm asking for less vitriol. Less anger. Less open hostility. So far, I seem to be getting it. Now it is up to me to work on my resentment.

Coming soon...
Resentment: It's What's for Breakfast
also I'm Ok; You're Freakin' Psycho!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2007-02-14T06:44:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day...an opportunity to express love OR another way for women to receive gifts? You decide.

I'll be posting more on Sybil's 180 later. For now, I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day.

180

2007-02-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

Well, things are improving with Sybil and me, for now. She has really toned down her bitchiness. She has really worked hard to show her loving side to me. We've even had sex once, since the last post.

What brought this on? Well, it wasn't me confronting her. I did that. She apologized and then less than 12 hours later she was still snapping at me over little stuff. Confronting her is still a major chore. Sybil became very defensive, so her talking down to me circles back to it being my fault. No, she went into a 15 minute spiel about how, if I had only done A,B, and C, then she would not have snapped at me. Forget that is there a really a need to suddenly get up and make sure the kids have cleaned the basement? That argument lasted ~4 or 5 hours.

No, what brought this on was blood in my stool. It was enough for me to call her, slightly panicked. I'm healthy and not even 40, so I believe I am developing a bleeding ulcer. Sybil has finally realized that the stress of work and stress she creates at home may be taking a physical toll on me. Despite my efforts of telling her that constant arguing of stupid, small, petty shit (pardon the pun), is not conducive to a long and happy marriage. It seems I have to have something become seriously wrong to be taken seriously.

Now the question: is too late? I've posted on resentment. Unfortunately, I have a significant amount of resentment built up towards her. Although she has made strides in the past 5 days or so, am I able to just let it go? I know I should. I know I must for us to move forward. It is proving more difficult than I imagined.

How Much is a Future Spouse Worth?

2007-02-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

And now back to our regularly scheduled complaining.

Sybil and I were watching TV the other night, and one of those credit card commercials came on. It was the one about the mixed race couple that was about to get married. The future son-in-law has to meet the bride's parents at the airport. You know the one, right?

Anyway, during the commercial it was said that the ring was $9000. That's $9K. I commented (aside: I need to learn to keep my mouth shut) that it was silly to spend so much on a ring for a couple just starting out. I stated that the money would be better spent on a lesser expensive ring and the rest towards buying a house.

That didn't sit well with Sybil. It seems that I am a cold-hearted person. I only care about the cost of something, rather than whether or not it comes from the heart. If the perfect ring cost $20k, then that is ok, because it's perfect. After all, Sybil's sister has $15k ring. Of course, Sybil didn't say that her sister never wears it for fear of something happening to it. She actually wears a fake copy of the original.

This two hour "discussion" led to worry about a couple of things:

Sybil and I are very different in our approach to money.
We should have had this conversation waaaaay before getting married.

To me a $9k ring is like a $45k wedding. Only worse. The groom, in theory, can enjoy the wedding. With a ring, the only person enjoying it is the bride. With a ring that expensive, that becomes a female version of a "pissing contest." It's about status.

What's the answer to the question? I don't know, but apparently I was wrong to say that. At least out loud.

Taking a Break Part II

2007-01-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

I'm back. Things have been very hectic here. Naturally, we're over-scheduled and over-stressed. Sybil and I managed to fight all weekend. I won't go into details right now. Most of it was petty stuff that only she and I can fight about (note to self: read those text message before seeing Sybil). I might go into detail some day.

Where were we...? I was talking about my astonishing (to me) lack of libido. Luckily for you, I get to noodle all of this out on this public forum. The last rambling post boiled down to one of the reasons being the fighting over the little (to me anyway) stuff. Always feeling on edge, even when not fighting, can be pretty draining. Trying to act a different way to maintain the peace is draining.

Another big reason is quality. Sybil is making the same moves and doing the same things that she did over 14 years ago. Again, in light of some (sorry Digger), I should be content with my situation. Of course, that would undo the space/time continuum if a human being was really content with his/her lot in life. The only way I can eat vanilla ice cream is to put chocolate syrup and nuts on it. Whenever I have suggested things, I am told that it would go beyond her boundaries (see the post about Las Vegas). I understand that we all have boundaries. However, if the boundary means that one's spouse does most of the work, and things end in the missionary position, then it can be a little boring. Her philosophy is not to do too much because I'll come to expect it. Take oral sex for example. Or give oral sex, whatever one's predilection. Sybil knows I enjoy giving and receiving, yet she will rarely give nor receive. She does not want me to become too comfortable with how things are. That makes no sense to me. Am I way off base here?

As I ponder my fate, I really believe these situations have done my libido some harm. On the one hand, I have to live in constant fear of doing/saying something wrong (maybe I'm a big jerk. That's another post). On the other hand, I feel like the dog with a shock collar in a yard with an invisible fence. I'm not sure where the boundary is, but I'll definitely feel it upon hitting it. Naturally, the boundaries get moved around.

Ladies, if your spouse has a low libido, look inside. I'm here to tell you that it ain't normal. That low libido may have nothing to do with recent events. It may be a culmination of events that have yielded these results. I don't know. I haven't read any other men's low libido posts. Before I close and open the floor for comments, let me say that I have talked with Sybil about these issues. I have, especially, talked with her about boundaries. I am the one that gives ground. Maybe that's part of it too?